[shouting at the masked killer lurking in the woods, just out of sight]
Hey, y’know… you can only kill me ONCE! But, uh, with the hiding… all the hiding in the woods. That’s something a COWARD would do, and they, y’know– a THOUSAND deaths, is what they say. And is what I’m saying to you, I guess.
I’m WINNING, out of the two of us, is the point.
Dracula: Blood of Bunyan (1976) – This bicentennial bite-fest, filmed in the Philippines, relocates American folk hero Paul Bunyan to the jungle where he clashes with Dracula (Filipino film star Antonio Ocampo) and his paramilitary vampire strike force. Best Kill: As a swarm of bats, Dracula enters Babe the Blue Ox’s mouth, then pushes on Babe’s stomach (a practical effect built with blue stretchy latex), Dracula’s face and claws distending the belly before tearing out, dumping gallons of blood and Ocampo’s stunt double.
Sn’otters (1986) – Equal parts a horror movie and a promotional vehicle to sell plastic figurines of otters in small tubs of slime, this movie’s ecological message was buried somewhere under eruptions of goo and slithery river mammal attacks. The plot was basic: Industrialists dump toxic goo in river, affected otters kill men in suits. Best Kill: CEO Hoyleman’s shareholder call is interrupted as a sn’otter slides down a conference table and into his mouth, back legs scrabbling. Then an obvious replacement Hoyleman head in close-up is inflated with slime until it erupts out the eyes, ears and mouth in jets.
Thank you for your $3 donation to Remake the Matrix but With Everyone’s Code Names Replaced With Ice Cream Flavors (Holiday Limited Edition Varieties).
We have now collected $3 towards our estimated $7.5 million budget! Wow! And it’s all thanks to backers like you!
Goofs
Through most scenes in The Matrix, Keanu Reeves can be seen playing the role of “Neo,” when in fact this role should have been given to “Weird Al” Yankovic.
When The Matrix came out, pill technology didn’t exist yet. Only 90s kids remember how medicines used to be delivered via medical staplers, or derma-toads, until scientists inspired by the Wachowskis learned how to squeeze medicine into tiny balls you could swallow.
Did you know… ?
The character of Trinity in The Matrix was so named as a reference to two additional
planned sequels to the film that unfortunately were never made.
The character of Neo was named after knees (“Knee-oh.”) Attentive viewers will note the character has two, about mid-leg.
Did you know… ?
Sending in a ticket stub for The Matrix as well as two soup can labels to a WB PO Box, fans of the hit film could order a secret third soundtrack on compact digital disc, which included rare tracks such as:
Three Goat DJs – “Roof Jumpin’ Criminals”
The Whoahs – “Whoah”
Eddie Sentient Program – “Rejected Love Theme for The Crow”
Ras Zombie – “Dragula Dub”
When I was a child, we troubled youths would be sent to “scared straight” programs where a maimed cowboy would tell us about The Horse That Eats Crime Like Sugar Cubes and that’s why their cowboy hat had to be glued on by nuns and it worked, by gum, I never broke another window and my dreams are drowning in angry equines.
Check out this game I co-wrote with Amalie McKee! It’s 2 games in 1 and I can guarantee it delivers: you’re gonna die in space!
The Signal: EP159 – Exactly 45 minutes for your future shocked ears. We’ve got synthwave that’s more 80s than the 80s were, mirror-universe trip-hop, a rockin’ brothel visit, SE Asian funk-rock from the Netherlands, puffy sleeves and treasure. It’s weird and it works, so jack in yer deck and join us!
Download by clicking on the link (or image) above. The file is available only for a limited time. If you’re interested in the tracklist, it’s in the mp3 itself, in the id3 tags. Or, if you sign up to be a member of our mailing list, The Tuned In, you’ll be among the first on the planet to know when a new mix is posted, and you’ll get a permanent archive link and the entire playlist, delivered to your inbox.
what if everyone in the wild west met at high noon and every revolver spat fire and every bullet hit every other bullet and the weathercocks spin, the rain barrels leak, the horses rear up, hats hit the dust, spurs jingle-jangle and then that’s it, the wild west is over and there’s still plenty of afternoon left
lost time incident 86
Fellow workers!
The air here smells of smoke from files to the north, but so far we have escaped all consequences. The wind has been howling and on a walk to get some coffee I had to step over a few downed branches. The climate doesn’t seem terribly friendly today, but for now we can still reach out to you online, and that’s something.
Let’s take advantage while we can.
New Security Questions for Q4 2019
Are your children chatting about dying in outer space?
ROFL: Real Oxygen Failure Loop
STFU: Systemic Total Failure Underway
ILY: Irreparable Leak Yonder
YOLO: Your Oxygen Lost (Oops)
DGAF: Decompression: Gas/Atmosphere Failure
LMFAO: Let’s Maybe Forget Astronaut’s Odds
Least Popular Elves (as reported by Gygax’s Subscription Faxes, #3 v1 1978, delivered via fax)
ending theme song
Since the last time you heard from me, my writing efforts have been directed towards game-related projects. I’ve worked on some RPG stories for use in play, but I’ve also started learning some layout software and putting mini-RPG projects online at itch.io.
If you’re curious, I have a pamphlet/game concept about roadside attractions in the US (and failure) and just this weekend I posted a single-player game about taking a phone call during the Crucifixion, inspired by a weird ivory carving I saw in The Met’s online art gallery. (You can see the image on the cover of the mini-RPG.)
In the near term, a game I co-authored should be finalized soon and a contribution I sent to an online RPG scenario contest should leave its embargo, so I can talk about it.
I don’t know what my next big project is going to be, on the scale of WITCHES TOWN (still available for sale), but… I’ll be sure to let you all know!
Hope you’re doing well, and have opportunities to pet furry animals, or take nice naps, or enjoy some hobbies, etc. etc. We are on a spinning rock in the middle of cold, cold space and it’s a miracle any of this happened. Who knows if it’ll ever happen again. Enjoy what you can of it.
—Michael Van Vleet
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You’re in luck! You can subscribe to the LOST TIME INCIDENT newsletter and finally class up your inbox.
Most of the class is at the Monterrey Bay Aquarium, having fun. You and your fellow players never got your permissions slips signed, so you’re in a classroom, bored.
Find a way to bring the aquarium experience to yourselves. Flood the room. Paint scales on a school bus. Perform damp rites and transform into fish people.
Game ends when the school day ends or when the ocean reclaims you forever.
I DON’T KNOW WHICH ONE TO SHOOT: the game of clones, a gun, and asking questions only you would know the answer to
One player holds “the gun.” Everyone else plays identical people. The player with the gun asks every other player questions “only the original would know the answer to.”
Gameplay continues until the questioner decides they know who the original is. Game is lost if they actually shoot anyone, ’cause what the hell, that’s not a way to solve problems.