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"I could eat a tiger and spit out a kitten! Rargh!
It is not something I am asked to do often."
-- Maxwell Vanderhorn, world's toughest man. Or so he says. Many of the things he says he can do are difficult to arrange or test.
"I once punched a phone book in half! Harooo!
Anyone can tear one in half. It takes real determination to punch a phone book to the point where it doesn't want to exist in book form anymore."
-- Maxwell Vanderhorn, menace to archaic directories
"I won a foot race with the Tooth Fairy! Grufffgruff!"
-- Maxwell Vanderhorn, explaining all the children's teeth in his pants pocket. Also: fighting a sinus condition.
"I put a canister of gasoline out in the chicken yard and if any one of those chickens wants to set himself on fire then fight me while infused with the power of the phoenix, then I welcome it.
I will punch its beak off and the mighty wind that follows that punch will extinguish the flames!"
-- Maxwell Vanderhorn, who does not own any chickens, and really should stop leaving dangerous substances on farmers' property.
"Once while camping, I cooked a pot of chili so spicy that when I accidentally spilled some on the ground of my camp site, the entire mountain wept. Karow-karooowy!
I, however, enjoyed the chili quite a bit more than the mountain, and have since regrown the moustache that the chili burnt off my firm upper lip as I ate it."
-- Maxwell Vanderhorn, toughest chili cook in the world. He drinks quite a bit. To the extent that he forgot shaving off his moustache while visiting Yosemite National Park, home of Yosemite Falls, a waterfall that is not actually a "mountain weeping."
"There was once a man from Hartsborough who was as big as an elm and he had promised his fortune-- earned from digging wells, which he could do just by pirouetting in place-- to anyone who could defeat him at Indian wrestling.
"Over a period of three years, I managed to throw him about, and then throw about top warriors from Native American tribes, then throw about the most amazing fighters from the Indian subcontinent until this giant of a man had to concede defeat. He was all out of weasel words about how 'That's not the kind of Indian wrestling I meant.'
"And that's how I came to have this fifty dollar bill."
--Maxwell Vanderhorn, menace to unsuspecting "Indians." He claims not to remember which state "Hartsborough" is in, in case you were wondering. We did ask.
"Burrah! I tell you, I can eat anything! I once at a raw chicken that had been sick for days and I never felt any ill health! Where most people have a stomach, I have a roaring inferno that no germ can withstand. I can belch fire!
I once took a bite out of a rock. That was a mistake, but I mention it because it didn't make me sick."
-- Maxwell Vanderhorn, who is missing a tooth from that rock-biting exploit. We also wish he wouldn't belch while smoking, but it does amuse him.