Lost Time Incident

Agent of K.I.L.L. : Chapter One - A New Day DIES - Carver had put in many years working for K.I.L.L. In all the time, however, he had never settled on a nickname. He had toyed around with a few: Rick Carver, the Spy Stabber. Rick Carver, the Invisible Killer. Rick Carver, Man of a Thousand Knives. None of them stuck.

Another Lost Time Incident - "Hey, like, isn't all time lost? Eventually?" "Okay, hippie." "Just kidding. I know why you're asking. I'm still on the table. I'm still in the air."

Surprising Ham - There were steady beeps and green lines swept radar circles on radar display screens while we waited for Jeremy to bring Ham by for the surprise party. When Ham came in, waddling in his handsome military fatigues, we would leap out and all say SURPRISE. Then we would give him presents and bananas.

It Is Leafy and It Wants to Live - "To talk of crime's against science is preposterous in the extreme. But... I would like to think my pedantic days are behind me," said Dr. Hobbler. "I believe the sort of thing you would like to hear would be something along the lines of this: in April of last year, I created the world's first sentient salad."

When Mine Was Ours - The long and the short of it was that the town's only Kinko's outpost was gonna run out of pink stationary before long, running off copies of all of our pink slips. The Boss was laying us all off and packing up the mine to move it out of the country. He had a small island in mind, he told us, nice weather, hard-working locals who ask for a lot less than we do. With the money he would save on payroll, he told us, the expense of moving the mine would be negligable. He'd make the money back in eight months. Most of the cost would be packing material.

We Are Men of Action - So I brought the prisoner back to the cells and from my back pocket pulled out the latest issue of GI SOLDIER ADVENTURE, an instructional comic book they give us. It's about the adventures of Green Recruit, a decent but dumb guy who has a lot to learn. He's learning to be the Gruff GI, the closest we can aspire to being real-life superheroes. Not that we're gonna wear capes or anything. It's just that Gruff GI knows what to do in every situation. And he can even shoot someone in the face and not spend days crying about it afterwards, unable to sleep, which makes him better than all of us.

Obsolete - "Good, good. Here's the thing, Zero. And believe me, this never gets any easier for me." Of course it couldn't very well get easier than it is. Normally, it's a piece of cake. "But the plain fact of the matter is that you were designed for obsolescence. You can't tell me that this is a surprise to you. They printed it right there on your chest at the factory."

Dear Mr. Monkey re: Your Application - Dear Sir, I write with regards to your recent application for the Circus Tent License. Unfortunately, we are unable to grant you a license at this time, because you have too many monkeys. Yours sincerely, Hildegard Bromider, petty tyrant.

The Man with the Silver Hand - On the night in question, I dressed up in a tuxedo and spray-painted my left hand silver. I told everyone that I was an international super-spy and that my left hand had been bitten off by a half-man/half-crocodile henchman of an international super-terrorist. "Don't worry," I told them, "I did manage to save the world."

Waiting for Floating - Hardly a weekend goes by when we don't drag someone out of the lake. This week it was a wedding party.

Knock, Knock - So the story I wanted to tell you about took place early on a Sunday morning. The important details: The last time my girlfriend and I had been together, she had forgotten a half-empty 1 lb. bag of M&Ms at my place. Also, her parents were planning to move to another town, but on the Sunday in question were out of town. Also, she invited me to come over to her place before my paper route for some, uh, romance.

On the Dole - H@rold 11 moved in with me after the seven weeks of unemployment I had been living off of ran out. His presence was required if I was to transfer from the unemployment to the dole proper. The money they give you because it's cheaper than having you stick up liquor stores and cheaper than handling your dead body when you freeze to death on a park bench, your stiff body glued to the newspaper you were shivering under by the nights snow and hail.

The Key to Understanding It - "I'll tell you when we're done in here," he whispered. "But I want you to know something... when we go in, you're gonna hear some crazy talk from this guy. That's because we're gonna be talking in code. So don't be surprised if things don't make sense to you. You just watch how I do what I do and don't let the particulars bother you. Got it?" My tongue was grotesquely huge. I could feel it pressed up against my teeth. It hucked up and down against my dry throat but I managed to say, "Yes."

Candy Wants to Forget - "I have a question for you. The question is this: how can a robot named Candy get drunk?"

Standing on the Shoulders of Giants - Because the aliens keep coming to our planet. You've seen them on the nightly news. You've heard them on the radio. "Thanks for the water! Our sociologists are fascinated by your pornography!" they say, and then the doors on their craft close and they're gone.

Amount Due in Full - T: We are your friends. D: Friends who do not have names, as far as you're concerned. T: Friends who know how to get into your apartment when you're not here. Friends who believe this couch of yours is very comfortable.

Did You Get My Message? - I'm sorry I laughed when you twisted your ankle on the rocks, but you are clumsy, you know that. That's no reason to leave me here when you got rescued.

The Inspector & No-Nose Charlie Eat Breakfast - No-Nose has been my sidekick for years, a handy man to have your back in a fight, quick with a pistol or a cheap-shot to the jaw. A card-shark, a gentleman, a quick-witted foe of evil. And every time he's asked about his nose, there's a new answer.

We Sank By the Book - When the boat started to go down, we knew just what to do. I opened the access flap on the back of the head of the robot nearest me and, with some quick and calm typing, instructed it to bring us the Binder of Calamity.

A Zombie Novel for People (and Zombies) with Short Attention Spans - For when you don't have much time but want to read a book about the trouble with zombies.

Rally Round - A flag can't replace a family. Probably can't replace a family. Maybe it can, who knows.

Lost Arm Incident - A drawing of a morbid and delightful nature sent by an Australian friend-of-a-friend, Kieran Mangan.

A Strain on the Heart - "They refer to the inmates as guests."

Justice & Lost Eggs - "So they've been after your chickens."

Outer Space was Different Then - Zero-gravity amusements.

Not in the Mood - "PSYCHIC SKULL: knows all, sees all, even without any eyes or a brain."

Spicy Radio Tales of Deduction - Another rip-roaring week of the Sleepy Time Detective Hour.

Salt Gets In - "You think your life is hard, sailor?"

Bound in a Nutshell - "I am not a very good political prisoner."

Children's Entertainment - "She had paid good money. The kids deserved some ninja entertainment."

Where the Trouble Started - A mistake. Please ignore.

There's Privacy Behind the Steam - "What is this thing humans call... love?" Robots wash dishes.

Arrr-chivist - "Three Spice McGhee has taken to smuggling packets o' salt in his pee-jays."

He Sleeps to Conquer - Interrogation. Continuation of "Nobody Tells Me Anything."

Nobody Tells Me Anything - "Look, we know you're a spy."

Sucker Punch Theatre - Martial arts tournament in New Delhi.

Eviction Notice - "All he wanted to do, he said, was spend every day eating our children and sleeping."

We Were Too Young to Know It Was All Impossible - Today was special, I thought, wiping my hands against my regulation blue corduroy pants. We were going to see a wish fight.

We Make Things Muggy - Actual fiction about a lost time incident.

An Introduction - "Before we begin, there are a few things you should know about me."