Lost Time Incident

February 07, 2003

An Introduction

Before we begin, there are a few things you should know about me. For convenience's sake, I will list these things in a numbered list.

1. I do not entirely understand the appeal of numbered lists, despite the fact that I once wrote a list so long that an entire village of Canadians was forced to move to Vancouver and engage in menial labour because the forests that surrounded their village home, and from which they plyed their logging trade, was depopulated so that I could have enough paper to write my numbered list upon.

2. Upon graduation from college, I worked at a Kinko's in Fremont where I saved the life of a woman who, while suffering from a seizure, swallowed her own tongue. By greasing my fingers with the lubricant of a copy machines inner workings, I was able to slide between her clenching teeth without injury and bring her tongue back up into her mouth. My some chemical miracle, she informed me that the combination of the oils on my fingers combined with the copier grease to duplicate the taste of vanilla ice cream.

3. I no longer work at a Kinko's.

4. My shoe size is 10 and a half, which is remarkable only because my feet are a size 14. I have trained my toes to unhinge from their joints so I can tuck them underneath the soles of my feet. Not only does this allow me to save money on shoes, but I can also run faster and further than all land mammals, with the exception of some of Africa's great cats. Also, my toes are prehensile, and I sleep upside down, suspended from a supported rod in my closet. All the blood rushing to my head on a nightly vision has increased my IQ and my vision is above average in its clarity.

5. I will be writing here as the mood strikes and you are welcome to come back. Also, I am your long lost cousin. Also, I can sell you a pen sketch for $5 that will almost certainly be worth twice that in a year, such is the value of my artistic contributions to our culture.

Should any other questions arise, I will be sure to answer them all in full, with complete honesty, and in longer sentences that will seem necessary. But it is all necessary. Yes, yes, yes.

Posted by Michael at February 07, 2003 11:24 AM