Lost Time Incident

February 12, 2003

We Were Too Young to Know It Was All Impossible

"Fight, Fight, Fight!" The chant was on in the schoolyard so I hopped the dividing wall between the wooden benches we ate lunch on and the grassy yard to see what was going on.

In the center of a circle of kids, all rowdy and tugging on each others white short-sleeve knit school shirts, were the two boys being chanted at.

Aaron Donnel and Rikki Last Name.

Rikki's last name was hard to pronounce, so none of us kids ever used it. At the beginning of each school year, new kids in the class would crack each other up by calling him Rikki *sound of a finger wiggling against spitting lips* or Rikki Ungabungablahblahnoodle.

That "noodle" at the end was good for a laugh. One time Stephen fell off the monkey bars and broke his wrist because he was laughing so hard when Darren used the noodle-ending name for Rikki.

Anyway, no one like Rikki much and we didn't like Aaron either, but they didn't get bullied because they both could make wishes.

Today was special, I thought, wiping my hands against my regulation blue corduroy pants. We were going to see a wish fight.

Aaron whistled a tune and at his side appeared his leprechaun, who went by the name of Mr. Tallhat. We'd all seen Mr. Tallhat before because Aaron would bring him out sometimes and pretend like he finally had a wish, but then he'd say he didn't and Mr. Tallhat would break things before disappearing again.

Rikki reached into his backpack and brought out a lamp. He rubbed it with the bottom of his untucked shirt and sure enough, out came his genie.

All the kids gasped because the genie must have been a hundred feet tall or something. His skin was kinda purple and grey and you could sorta see through him. He shrunk back down to adult size, though, so he could hear Rikki.

"What is your wish, young master?" asked the genie.

Rikki said, "I wish... I wish that Aaron didn't have a mouth so he can't make any wishes with his leprechaun!"

And it was done. Aaron had nothing but skin from his nose to his chin. I noticed the leprechaun squinting and rubbing his chin, impressed but not intimidated. Me, I thought I was gonna be sick just looking at Aaron.

What Rikki totally didn't count on was that Aaron had a spiral notepad in his pocket which he used to pass notes in class. Aaron wrote down a wish and frantically handed the pad to his leprechaun.

"Ah, laddie," said the leprechaun. "Ya know I cannae read too good."

Aaron wheezed through his nose and clawed at his mouth.

"Oh, you tellin' me you want a mouth again?"

Aaron nodded at the leprechaun and shook the little man's shoulders roughly. And it was done. Aaron had a mouth. A new mouth.

See, the thing you have to keep in mind about leprechauns, as opposed to genies, is leprechauns are assholes. Every one of them. You catch them and they hold it against you, big time.They're always looking for ways to screw you out of your wishes.

Which is how Aaron ended up with such a pretty mouth. Came with magically permanent lipstick, too. Rikki was laughing so hard, he wasn't able to throw another wish at Aaron, so Aaron started the next round.

"Mr. Tallhat, I wish that I controlled a zombie army that could rise up out of the ground and attack Rikki!"

"All right," said Mr. Tallhat. The kids gasped as up from the school grounds came wriggling, mostly decayed earthworms and one sad looking squirrel. "There aren't too many bodies around here for your army, Aaron me boy. Perhaps you should have specified a cemetary or somethin'."

"You bastard," said Aaron, watching Rikki carefully step the renewed life out of his entire earthworm, songbird and squirrel army. "All right, final try: Mr. Tallhat, I wish that I was the greatest fighter in the whole world."

"Okay," said Mr. Tallhat. "You were the greatest fighter in the world. Two years ago, you defeated all comers in a martial arts tournament held in an underground palace beneath the streets of New Delhi. Your final fight was against a powerful leper who couldn't feel pain with his lesion-covered limbs and was only stopped when you managed to kick his jaw off. Once a man can use his tongue to taste his own neck, he's well on his way to losing his fighting spirit."

"I remember doing all that," said Aaron. "How come I don't remember how to fight?"

"Head injury, last May."

"Oh yeah."

"Well, that's my job done. You're on your own, Aaron." And with that, Mr. Tallhat disappeared. Rikki shook his head and the entire schoolyard was quiet while the genie returned to the lamp and Aaron poked gingerly at his pretty red mouth.

"I still have two wishes left," said Rikki. "But I think I'm going to hold on to them."

That was the best lunch period I ever had. The only other lunch period that comes close was when I managed to trade my Sun Chips for some Filipino eggrolls with Irma and I found a tunnel that led to the elven kingdom. Elementary school was pretty sweet. I should never have graduated.

Posted by Michael at February 12, 2003 02:09 PM