Lost Time Incident

June 19, 2003

We Sank By the Book

When the boat started to go down, we knew just what to do. I opened the access flap on the back of the head of the robot nearest me and, with some quick and calm typing, instructed it to bring us the Binder of Calamity.

This is actually the name of the binder, or at least it's what some wag wrote on the fat one-inch-thick spine. Tucked inside the front of the binder, where there should be a printed page saying "Emergency Procedures" and a piece of clip art showing a competent, grim fireman, is instead a faxed cartoon.

The cartoon has two panels. The first panel has a man mounted on the back of a camel, whirling a scimitar, wearing white robes and shouting "HOLY WAR!" The second panel he is in full retreat, a missile roaring after him and his camel as he exclaims "HOLY SHIT!" He has not dropped his scimitar. I admire his adaptability to circumstance. That's why I put the cartoon there.

My friend Avery faxed that cartoon to me because he is a racist. I faxed him back a message telling him so. I wrote to him that despite the political difficulties with the Arab nations at the time he sent that to me, caricatures and broad stereotypes had no place in our relationship. The Arabs our country bombed and killed probably didn't ride camels. Or wave scimitars. Why not draw them in normal clothes with guns running away from a missile? It was an important message to send back to him and faxes are expensive to send from sea.

But this is a cruise ship, a pleasure vessel, and no place for racial hang-ups. I got tired of waiting for the oilheads to come back with the binder, but what can you do. Waiting was easier than walking to go get the binder myself.

The oilhead robot came back, no doubt running on RPT (that's robot-people time) and I flipped open the binder.

I present to you all a listing of some of the instructions provided by the Binder of Calamity, which we followed to the letter.

Ahem.

A. Our richest patrons had robots sent for them. The robots were programmed to tell them that it was an emergency and that the robots would hold our guests' valuables in their airtight chests.

Those who were reluctant to surrender valuables were reminded that the ship did not have enough lifeboats for everybody. This was presented in such a manner that they might infer a cause and effect relationship where there was none. This came straight from the binder.

B. We asked the band if they would mind staying behind and playing a tune while our most favored guests boarded the ship. A robot was to "accidentally" open a compartment full of the drug "Deep Green," which musicians enjoy for its effects such as time dilation. For the musicians on the ship, it will be as if the ship never gets around to sinking, all those for those of us sober survivors, it has of course sunk and drowned them all.

C. The binder then recommended that we right down in a notepad the standings of the on-ship darts tournament so that the tourney could resume on our next outing. This was done.

D. The lifeboats were filled and launched. Robots were deployed over the side in a feet-on-shoulders formation. They were to form a standing chain that would lead to the ocean's bottom, thus providing an anchor.

E. We collected the cellphones of the employees and their name badges. The binder noted that dental records and wallet contents would suffice should any employee drown and need to be identified. However, if we let them keep their name badges, they could let themselves into the kitchen and steal expensive cutlery, or in desperation tell a guest that they have precedence in a lifeboat. Which they do not.

F. We lit the observation deck on fire with molotov cocktails to increase visibility of the boat to passing aircraft.

G. The robots were programmed to ask employees who wished to have personal flotation devices to sign a release absolving the parent company from liability for anything, ever. If employees inferred a cause and effect relationship there, it may have been due to communications with the oilheads, which were beginning to get soggy and sparky.

At this point in our list of instructions, we were up to our waists in water and the binder was dropped. A robot knocked into me and I dropped it. That robot no longer works for our company.

I acted in a professional capacity and I regret the inconvenience to you and yours.

Posted by Michael at June 19, 2003 11:04 PM