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April 03, 2004
Dear Mr. Monkey re: Your Application
by Michael Van Vleet & Carlie Lazar
Dear Sir, I write with regards to your recent application for the Circus Tent License. Unfortunately, we are unable to grant you a license at this time, because you have too many monkeys. Yours sincerely, Hildegard Bromider, petty tyrant.
Dear Mr. Hildegard Bromider, I am quite saddened to hear this news re: the circus tent license. Are you quite sure that you noticed the hefty bribe I included along with the application? Perhaps my monkey-training Gypsy assistant did not bring the bribe to your attention. Perhaps he kept it. He will be whipped. More money will be sent. Please reconsider. Alphonso the King of Monkeys.
Dear Sir, Your bribe, while considerable, was still barely enough to compensate me for the energy required to raise my eyebrow in derision at your Tent Application (form 887TRB). I would like to remind you, Mr A. K. Monkeys, that the sheet must be filled out in triplicate, and not, on fifteen pieces of shredded banana skin. I suggest, Mr Monkeys, that you arm your thousand monkeys with typewriters and attempt to improve on your last effort. Sincerely, Hildegard Bromider (Mrs).
Dear Sir Mrs. Hildegard Bromider, Esquire, I regret deeply that the instructions provided with the form 887TRB were lacking the specifics I would have required to fill them out properly. You see, I became King of the Monkey not by inheriting the position or inventing it of a whole cloth. Oh no, I was raised by the monkeys of Sumatra (known to my monkey extended family as EEEH EEH eeh huh HUH")... It was entirely through merit that they democratically elected me as their king. However, their educational system did not include reading the human written language. As such, I had the Gypsy read me the instructions, and he is a drunk. We shall try again. Please, enjoy the enclosed cash. Yours, The King
Dear Sir, The sum I received today from your terminally unkempt assistant will go some way to recompensating me for the clump of hair I pulled from my head this morning, from sheer frustration. Is it your intention to drive me mad? (unsigned)
Dear Madame Lady, ook ook ook EEH EEH EEEEHHH HUUUUH! EHUH Huh huh huh. (unsigned)
The originals of the above correspondence are maintained as part of a permanent exhibit in the Museum of Big Tent Happenings, paid for by the generous contributions of Mr. Alexei Chergari, a local man of influence, supplier of bananas to the greater Hungarian region.