“And over here,” indicates the tour guide, “you’ll see the World’s Oldest House.”
The tour group politely observes the house, which responds by saying “You all look a lot like your ancestors.”
A beat. “They were pretty ugly too.”
And then it laughed so hard a window pane tumbled from the second floor.
First Message. 5:12 p.m.
From.
MILKWALKER.
Thank you for your phone number and your full name. I will take care of them. I will return them soon. When I am done.
If you get sad, find me à̸͓̫̟̞͢m̖̩̠̩o̵̸̮̝̤ͅn̻̣ͅg̴͉͇͇͟ ̵̱̥ţ͎̗͔͢h̡̤̗̜̞͖͉́e̴̸̠͎̣̜̪̤̙̼ ̶͉̫͔̲̠̀̕c̬̬̮̬͈̟ơ̢̛͉̭̖͉̭̦̗w̷̯̘͉̯̕͢ͅs͈̘͢ ̢̧̻̭̮̗͞ͅa̢̘̻͓͔͉͇͇̰͟ͅn̳͕̤̱̰̬͡d͕̩͔̩͎͍̙̜̻̕ ̥̙̮͔͞b̸̧̖̭͝a̵̧͓̟̯̞̩r̶͏̘̰͉̘̰͈̙̞͞l̛̹̦͈͔e̷̪̙͎͓͖̳͈̮͞y͏̶̹̘̬͖̪̕
To Repeat This Message, Press 1.
To Delete This Message, Press 2.
Who Are You, Press 3.
Where Are You Now, Press 4.
With keen senses and knowledge of the terrain, they’ve tracked you down and ringed you in. Inside every growling mouth, a Final Notice bill from one of your creditors.
Roll for Initiative + Credit Rating
Bite 1d4
Deliver Mail 1d6 (psychic)
Distract (disadvantage vs other Final Notice Wolves)
Imbued with life via the least possible amount of magical/electrical stimulation, this Grahamite creation has but one purpose: to promote vegetarianism and discourage sensuality.
As such, its sensory organs border on vestigial.
Possessions:
) Trifold brochure on virtues of temperance
) Folding chair
) Sandles (plastic)
) Coupon for powdered soap (expired)
Advanced Skills:
3 Resist Temptation
1 Inspire
1 Absorb
1) +1 short sword vs cheese
2) WHAT!?!? the Screaming Mace
3) Amber’s Frozen Hot Dog Knife
4) Pile of Ever-Wet Rope
1) Income Tax Elves
2) Pus Elves
3) Divorce Lawyer Elves
5) Misnumbered List Elves
1) Cadet Stargleam’s Tooth Cream
2) Cavity Blast-Off!
3) Madame Loop-the-Loop’s Tooth du Tooth
KEY MUMMY
Wrapped in a shroud, weighted down with keys, this figure was sent like an astronaut into the afterlife with the expectation that they’d be able to throw the doors wide open.
They’re back. Clanging. Still on the old mission? Was a new mission waiting behind a locked door?
Possessions:
3 Extraplanar Navigation
2 Lockpick
1 Strength
1 Dust
Had a Dream Once of Butter…
Butter? No. Ha! You Thought This Was… ? No.
The Cruel Trick That Resembles Butter
Don’t’cha Wish Butter Was Affordable?
Butter-Adjacent
But_er
An Empty Case That Smells of Butter
An episode of HOUSE HUNTERS where they invent the flint spear and find it penetrates the houses’ furry hides more readily than sharpened wood.
An episode of HOUSE HUNTERS where one of the hunters becomes entangled with their house prey and the two tumble into a tar pit, irretrievably. The hunters mourn. The houses forgive.
An episode of HOUSE HUNTERS where no houses are seen. Belts are tightened. A storm approaches.