Ever have such a good time with your bank robbing crew that when they set you in front of the safe, you just lean your head against its cold steel door and turn the wheel, but you’re not really listening to the tumblers click?

You’re just thinking about all the good times at the hideout, making plans, how fun it was to put masks on in the car, how you’re all going to be best friends forever?

Yeah.

First day in prison, you dig a deep pit, place spikes at the bottom, cover it with a tarp. They got leaves at the commissary you can buy on credit. Put the leaves on top of the tarp, makes it look natural.

Then when the tiger comes, it’ll fall right in and you can sleep at night. One night.

Day two, you’re back to having no trap. And that’s where my system, PRISON IS A SET OF TRAPS, available on a set of 6 VHS tapes of $19.99 ea., comes in.

What an exorcist won’t tell you is that you can get rid of a ghost— any ghost, regardless of originating era— by “getting freaky” and for $4.99 you can download my instructional PDF, GET THE FREAK OUT OF MY HOUSE, SPIRIT which has step by step instructions— “freak-structions”— suitable for any sized domicile and any freak level, from beginner to freakzilla.

Your Impure Heart Rests In My Leather Glove

Cuckoo’s Nest in Razor Wire

18 Nails On a Window Sill

A Butcher’s Apron for a Wedding Bed

A Drowned Cat’s Lullaby

Hello, friend! Thank you for taking advantage of our introductory offer of [dragged back to the nest to feed the queen]. According to our records, you [were reduced to component parts, some stored, some consumed immediately]. We hope this met with your standards!

pick one: [happy face] [neutral face] [unhappy face]

1. A really nice skeleton foot
2. A really nice skull
3. A really nice set of ribs
4. Wait, this is a human body
5. Whose body is this
6. A really nice hand
7. Different hand
8. Just a real ass human bone set, are we doing a crime just looking?
9. Let’s pretend we didn’t find anything
10. C’mon, dude, don’t put that in your pocket, duuuuude

The three ghosts that visited me over Christmas are still here.

Now they’re holding boxes of candy. They’re dropping Valentine’s cards and roses in every room while I sleep, moaning about how I need to change my ways.

I have to live here, spirits, please.

Our great ship has frozen into the ice, which itself slowly circles this cursed bay where the sun can barely life itself above the horizon.

At night, the ice moans and cracks, pressing in, attempting to crush the hull.

But we’ve got a 5x match for those who donate now and your name will be carved into the prow as part of our Donators of Note if you click below.

[DONATE] [UNSUBSCRIBE]

1. There is not a magic fish that grants wishes only to those with ADHD. That fish will grant wishes to anyone who catches it.
2. The magic fish doesn’t do ironic wish-granting. To the best of its ability, it will grant your request.
3. The magic fish doesn’t really comprehend human language and will decide what you have wished based on “vibes.”
4. Yes, you still get the wish, even if you put the fish back. Or don’t fish at all. Sorry. Good luck.

Alone for the holidays? Did you know you can carve a face in a potato, or an apple, and just like that, you’ve ruined a potato, or an apple?

Still got some last minute holiday shopping to do? Did you know that the bottom of any lake can hold more secrets than you can possibly contain inside of you?

Give the gift of screaming into a lake this holiday season!