Robin Hood Prime

I don’t mind being waylaid by highwaymen when journeying by carriage. I always carry a silk purse of the King’s coin on me, but there’s more where that came from, and I come away with both my life and a story.

But lately the highwaymen have been asking me to rate and review them saying “it helps the forest’s algorithm” and I must say, I’m at a loss. Where does everyone else stand on this question? And does anyone know anything about how to safely remove a crossbow quarrel from one’s leg?

my amnesia guy

my buddy watts: i got so many regrets… so many things I want to forget

me: you don’t have an amnesia guy? i’ve got a guy. you want me to make an introduction?

my buddy watts: sounds like a plan

me [dialing my friend luce]: yo luce you still got that comically big hammer and impeccable aim?

luce: [the sound of reckless hammering]

it’s a journey

When I first logged into the internet, you had to fast for 48 hours, then drink a bitter tea that made you throw up. They’d roll you up next to a fire and behind your eyelids, the tumbling world, the bottomless sky and the the internet would talk to you.

It would tell you that your concerns were so small and the universe so large. It would tell you of a thing called a Bonzi Buddy (a kind of mechanical elf made of higher dimensions).

And you never wanted (or needed) to go online again.

stay safe out there

Please, this year for your RPG holiday parties, do not Drink a Yard of Dice out of a Glass Boot.

Yes, the various shapes will feel delightful dancing across your tongue and tumbling down your open throat, but the human body is a terrible dice tower.

nature is healing

Since reintroducing wolves to the American mall ecosystem, we’ve seen an amazing turnaround.

Foot Lockers are springing up near babbling brooks. B. Dalton’s erupt, selling paperbacks and providing warm dens for pups.

Do not drink from the fountain, there’s a dead elk in it.


Looking forward to the holidays and baking my classic Hand Squash. It’s easy: wash the skin, put in the oven whole at 350 for 40 min. Then when it’s cool enough to touch, cut it open at the table to reveal a human hand inside, palm up.

Everyone at the feast gets to compare prints and palm lines to find out whose hand it matches and in the coming year, they will be Chosen By The Fields. But the real secret ingredient is to melt on more butter than feels safe, plus some cinnamon.

A Beginner’s Guide to Mastodon

1. Picking a server
Whichever one you pick is wrong, so just… rip off the band-aid. Get it out of the way.

2. Finding people to follow
Don’t follow anyone. It’s a sign of weakness. As soon as you follow someone, they’ll fall on you like starving animals. An isolated account is a safe account.

3. Hashtags
I don’t know what those are and I refuse to learn.

4. The Reckoning
When the sun dims to a sickly orange and every living thing retreats into the mud, log off.

Dr. Moreau…ugh

Imagine being born in a time when you can take advantage of a post-war economy and just buy your own island, name it after you, and start making animal-hybrid chimeras.

While I pay rent on a small apartment and can only afford to superglue my hands before I pet a dog.

spooky season 2

Kids this year have wild costumes. One of ’em looked just like my landlord. His pals were sheriffs and they took all my stuff, dumped it on the sidewalk. Changed all the locks.

I gave ’em all full-size Snickers for the effort. Think the rest of the candy I’ll need as a makeshift blanket. Cold out.

spooky season

I don’t check my kids candy. I don’t check anything they eat. Had a guy holding a butterfly net tell me one of ’em ate a whole zoo, including the enclosures and the ticket stands. All the animals, gone down the gullet.

Said he was hoping I’d let him past the door, maybe he could at least scoop back an emu or something from the kid— hence the net— and I said “buddy, that’s between you and the emu.”