I put my last words on a cassette and rigged it into a loop so it could keep playing

cause I wasn’t sure when I was going to die

but it’s been running so long, the tape is flaking, there’s this hiss

My Knife is a Love Letter
Murder is a Greenhouse and You Are the Flowerbed
Black Cat’s Regret
All the Colors Are Black
What the Rabbit Saw in Hell

COME ON DOWN, it’s halfway to harvest and our show lot is OVERFLOWING with wicker men priced to MOVE

We’ve got towering ones, we’ve got ivy-covered ones… we’ve even got one made from IMPORTED SILK

it’s never too early to start stuffing sacrifices inside, but you don’t have to take MY word for it… tell ’em, John Barleycorn:

F̴҇͢E̵҇͜E̴͜͝D̴̕͢ Ţ̷̕H̶͢͞E҈̡͝ S҈̡͡O̴҇͜I̵̧͡L̷͢͡

We didn’t want to bother the aliens, so we peppered their planet with little translation drones designed to learn a single word of their language. Not a big burden, we thought, if a l’il bot asks you for one word, and we’d use AI compilers to build the translation engine later.

But all we got was the word “What?” over and over and over again.

Ever have such a good time with your bank robbing crew that when they set you in front of the safe, you just lean your head against its cold steel door and turn the wheel, but you’re not really listening to the tumblers click?

You’re just thinking about all the good times at the hideout, making plans, how fun it was to put masks on in the car, how you’re all going to be best friends forever?

Yeah.

First day in prison, you dig a deep pit, place spikes at the bottom, cover it with a tarp. They got leaves at the commissary you can buy on credit. Put the leaves on top of the tarp, makes it look natural.

Then when the tiger comes, it’ll fall right in and you can sleep at night. One night.

Day two, you’re back to having no trap. And that’s where my system, PRISON IS A SET OF TRAPS, available on a set of 6 VHS tapes of $19.99 ea., comes in.

What an exorcist won’t tell you is that you can get rid of a ghost— any ghost, regardless of originating era— by “getting freaky” and for $4.99 you can download my instructional PDF, GET THE FREAK OUT OF MY HOUSE, SPIRIT which has step by step instructions— “freak-structions”— suitable for any sized domicile and any freak level, from beginner to freakzilla.

Your Impure Heart Rests In My Leather Glove

Cuckoo’s Nest in Razor Wire

18 Nails On a Window Sill

A Butcher’s Apron for a Wedding Bed

A Drowned Cat’s Lullaby

Hello, friend! Thank you for taking advantage of our introductory offer of [dragged back to the nest to feed the queen]. According to our records, you [were reduced to component parts, some stored, some consumed immediately]. We hope this met with your standards!

pick one: [happy face] [neutral face] [unhappy face]