Upsides: Clean teeth, gentle humming in your head, scrubbing feeling across tongue is a gentle stimulant
Downsides: Every time you speak and a wave of skittering & aggressive insects spills out, you get to have the “Back, you unearthly horror! BACK!” conversation all over again.
Okay, okay, quick check: Everyone here who HASN’T given over some part of their hate-fueled corporeal form to the housing of horrors in exchange for power, raise your hand.
For this gift-giving season, why not give your friends and family something they’ll really use?
Wrap them in linens and ointments, then seal them in a tomb where they’ll sleep until the world is a wind-blasted, abandoned dunescape that they can wander, shuffling and shedding cloth, adrift in a distant future beyond imagination?
Spritzomancer: An adventurer archetype for a world where everyone’s a plant. Duel-wielding spritz bottles, one with restorative water & minerals, one with weed-killer.
A crude plant bravo might engrave their bottles with decorative labels such as: PISTIL and STAMEN. Such an effort to symbolically pair reproduction with violence is considered gauche, of course, but an adventurer’s life is an outsider’s life.
“If I’m venomous, that means my bite contains poison. If I’m poisonous, then I’m made of poison and shouldn’t be eaten.”
“I hate riddles,” I responded as its wriggling feet slurped past my lips. “Just real quick, tell me which one you are.”
A muffled voice responded, “I feel you have me at a disadvantage and that my honesty will be in question no matter how I respond.”
1) Trade one of your most precious recurring dreams to the Gentleman of Thrice-Dark Woods. After he’s dined, and after you’ve realized what you’ve lost, he’ll gladly apply some sort of colored paste for you by way of apology.
2) Open a portal in the soft side of this world, your fingers tugging at the dimension’s fatty layers until you’re viewing the colorless obscenities that live outside all-we-know. (I assume you want WHITE hair?)
3) Close your eyes. There. Your hair’s black. Everything is black. Now press against your eyes. Your hair is now full of stars.
The Corpse in the Red
My Bullets Are Missing
Hangman’s Delivery
The Case of the Case
Blonde Justice
The Case is for Judgement
Stop That Case!
Witness for the Dragon
My Gun Waits for the Case
The Talented Bones
Bullets Bullets Bullets: My Crime Struggle
On the more run down side of town, you can see delivery trucks dropping off smartdoors all the time. Lots of households order a door, but the freeware version only lets you lock your door for 30 days, and then it’s time to have some other vendor drop by to install a new door and start the 30 day cycle all over again.
None of us have money to subscribe.
It’s either that or you have to watch an ad to enter your house and no one’s got time for that. Keep them free doors comin’.
tfw you come to yourself at the stroke of midnight, new year aborning, riding the boards of a great ship, entering a town in darkness by water, entering your home to find yourself already there, the two of you and your matching faces making eye contact, the one who was there first still typing this message, gesturing for you to sit before setting out for the docks and all that’s left is to post this and find out what’s being inherited by renouncing the sea for your shadowy twin and their social media accounts
My Pistol Is My Passport (1957)
My Pistol Is My Draft Card (1968)
My Pistol Is My Cocaine (1974)
My Pistol Is My Buddy (1982)
My Pistol Is My Brand [Like/Comment/Subscribe] (2008 – franchise reboot)
My Pistol Is My Bitcoin (2017)