The facial recognition bot keeps getting me in trouble because it says I “never go outside” so if its cameras have spotted me outside, it must be in need of repair. They’ve started billing me for the engineer’s time spent diagnosing the error every time I head down to the AM/PM for UNGODLY HOT PANCHOS chips.

Donutouch
Defensive – on skin-to-skin contact with baker-wizard, save vs. petrifaction or from point of contact start turning into donut texture

Let Them Eat Cake
Targeted individual finds mouth full of cake that magically renews. Chewing/swallowing/spitting provides only temp. relief. Inhibits actions because target can only breathe through nose

Sooner or Latte
A soup bowl sized latte with a milk foam cat lazing as if it’s a hot tub, but it explodes by proximity

My grandfather was wearing latex gloves and had his hands deep in the batter filling a cake pan, laughing and saying he was allergic to the batter.

But it was set-up for a gag because he brought out the baked cake which had the gloves embedded in it.

He then blew hard into the latex gloves to rapidly over-inflate them, causing the cake to erupt, cake chunks blasting the family while he cackled.

Pretty solid bit.

Hey there, hi there, ho there, this is your FAVORITE disk jockey, DJ Adrift-o on the comms and broadcasting to absolutely nobody and nothing. [long silence] The– the phone lines are open and we’re taking requests, so if you’re out there, let us know. Until then, we’re only playing the hits, so coming next is “Food supplies are low and so is morale” by The Crew of the FORMIC. Anybody… is anybody out there?

The kid gets an invite to be a wizard, but the scholarship falls through. Sudden devaluation in the market for cursed silver that tastes of ocean salt.

The kid gets an invite to be a wizard but on the way is waylaid, stuffed into a box, replaced by a lookalike: A knowledge-seeking golem seeking its creator.

The kid gets an invite but it’s a magic invite, unstable, and it explodes. His blackened wall shadow can still attend, the wall wheeled from class to class.

You’re invited.

Please know that I brought this folding chair to your wedding because the invite didn’t specify if there would be enough seats for everyone and I thought I’d take responsibility for myself, and it’s not because I’m planning a “heel turn” where I smash you in the back during the first dance for breaking up our tag team.

But you know.

If you did want to get the tag team back together, and could let me know in the near term.

That’d be.

Feel like I missed my calling as a patent medicine salesman. My niche would be “entirely lacking in showmanship” and I’d just sell the bottled drug juice with weird herbs in it and leave town, bing-bang-boom, in my rattletrap carriage with hyperbolic claims painted on the flyout wings.

what’s up youtube today we’re doing the around-the-cup challenge where we sip from a cup, then rotate it a little, sip again, then keep going until we’ve sipped from every last bit of the lip and gone full circle and this will help us forget

this will help us forget

but dont forget to like comment subscribe donate patreon venmo kofi gofundme and if you can’t eat the whole cup, if the ceramic really scrapes your mouth out check back next week for our new video okay byeeeee

a zombie apocalypse where every stumbling corpse has a briefcase and a business plan

there’s one person in the party who hides the fact that they took a full-color, trifold brochure… in a corner muttering about impossible rates of return on investment

survivors scattering paper currency as chaff while fleeing a horde

the goal: get to the co-op farm outside of town, eat veggies, maintain a perimeter

Looking to kindle the flame of true love? ‘Tis the season to grab your paramour, don some leather protective bindings and some robes, and enter the darkness beneath the abandoned laundromat where Those Who Shun the Light doze the day away, or sharpen their teeth on paving stones. Many a night of romance begins with the kindling of underground murderfires! Couples, hand in purified hand, cleansing a filth-laden spiritual incursion!