lost time incident 10
Welcome, welcome, welcome. Another week has come and gone and so I’m sitting in front of a computer screen, typing away, not sure what is even going to go into this here newsletter. I hope there are words appearing underneath these words, from your perspective in the future.

What have we been up to. Ran into an old friend yesterday who’s sporting an Alfred E. Neuman look these days. When asked what happened to the missing Upper Left Central tooth that had vacated its traditional spot in his smile, he said “Entropy.”

We spent a bit of time thinking up interesting replacement. A transparent tooth, to leave the gap but stand as mute witness to the original loss, a ghost tooth haunting his upper gum plate. A tooth with an LED light inside. Blinking, rotating. A mood tooth. Is this smile sincere or not? Check the tooth color.

A tooth made of diamond. In case of a vehicular emergency, he could carve his way out through a sealed window, tooth first. A pneumatic tooth that, when activated, would handle all chewing duties on its own. It pays for itself with the effort saved.

We have the ideas. What we don’t have is a dental surgeon who shares our sense of adventure.

—

Also, I went through a dollar bin and picked up some old comics. You’ll see a couple of them below, as part of some weird selfies, serving as writing prompts.

once upon a time
“The one thing you must keep in mind, children,” said the old crone, “is that you must never go into the Woods of Eldermire after dark.” But they did anyway and it was fine.

There were two of them, the children, a boy and a girl. The girl found a magic stick that was quite good for hitting things with, and the woods were full of things to be hit. Spiders. Warlocks. A prince who was on an unrelated quest but had some antiquated thoughts about gender roles that he was entirely too free with during a conversation around a campfire.

The boy found a magic ticket that let him enter the Faery Realm whenever he wanted, allowing him to disappear from one place and come back in another. Unfortunately, each trek took six subjective months for him, and it only took a few encounters with danger before he ended up more closely resembling the girl’s father than her brother.

The old woman went into those woods all the time. She’s one to talk. She’s got a tent out there where she keeps her, uh, adult etchings. And dried herbs festoon lines strung between trees, but not a lot of cooking gets done, is what I’ve heard.

The real threat in the woods is the guy who owns them. He’s got the sort of contacts in local government that can help you avoid the sort of property taxes that ought to be levied on parcels like the Woods of Eldermire. When it rains out, this guy pays villagers to lay in the puddles that form in front of his house so he can keep his feet dry, walking on their backs, jingling a bag of coins. He once paid a shopkeeper he didn’t like to punch her own nose for him. That’s what I heard.

Anyway, one day, the boy– err, the magically-aged man and his sister exited the woods and came across the home of this rich forest owner. “Those woods weren’t a big deal at all,” said the sister, knocking the flowers off of plants with her stick. It hummed with every swing.

“Not sure why we were warned not to go in there,” said her brother, rubbing at his arthritic left elbow. It was going to rain soon, he thought. That elbow can always tell when the weather’s changing.

Oh, now I remember why they weren’t supposed to go in those woods. It’s because the old woman would sometimes become a dragon and she used to hide in the woods when that was happening. I should have mentioned that near the beginning of the story.

But you get it, right? You see where this is going.

The rich guy gets hit with a stick really hard at some point. The brother has to face off with an opossum that’s also an assassin? That the rich guy had on staff? And he drags the killer raccoon into the Faery Realm and their fight goes so long that the brother is effectively lost forever.

I should have mentioned that opossum assassin earlier, too. It’s great. Has a lot of attitude. Says things like, “Yeah, and I’m not a opossum that has learned the dark arts of murder!” Lot of sarcasm, that critter had.

Girl takes over the rich guy’s home. Villagers don’t have to lie in puddles anymore, save for once a year, because they go and create a holiday to celebrate their emancipation. And this is celebrated by recreating the whole “laying in puddles” activity. They could have made their holiday anything. Eaten cakes, run a race. Decorate trees, chase foreigners out of town. But nope. Laying in puddles to celebrate that they don’t have to lay in puddles anymore.

You can’t fight tradition.

going my way
We pulled over to pick up the hitchhiker because it was a lady and we were feeling generous. “You’re not a murderer, are you?” we asked as she climbed into the back seat.

“It’s difficult to say that having committed the act of murder makes you a murderer,” she said. “You don’t want to confuse an individual’s actions with a statement of primary identity. You probably mean to ask me: Have I murdered anyone?”

“Okay,” my wife said from the passenger seat. “Have you–”

“And even then, a more relevant question than ‘Have you murdered anyone?’ is ‘Do you intend to kill again?’ Or ‘Are you currently under any compulsion to murder?’ Or ‘Do you intend to murder us?'”

“These are all great points,” I said. “So do you–”

“How far are you going?” our hitchhiker asked.

“Not too much further, because who’s this, now?” I said, pulling over to pick up another hitchhiker. This one was a young man holding two signs. One of them said “Heading West” and the other said “I do not intend to murder you.”

As he slipped into the back seat, my wife turned around to face the back. “I wonder if we’re making too big a deal out of the concept of ‘intent.’ While you may not intend to murder someone, that still leaves a variety of unplanned violences, including manslaughters and whatnot that could even be accidental.”

We pulled over to pick up a hitchhiking police officer. She climbed into the back seat, her hand on her pistol.

We pulled over to pick up a hitchhiking trailer salesman, who convinced us on the spot that we ought to invest in a trailer. The trailer had sleep areas for five, a weak shower that ran off the car battery, a USB plug and inlaid speakers to play music, a shallow sink, and a restroom that we’d have to pump every few weeks. He explained all the features to us while we picked up a hitchhiking blues musician, a hitchhiking family of five who were fleeing religious persecution and a hitchhiking journalist who was covering the hitchhiking scene for a national magazine.

“Been hitchhiking long?” we asked the journalist and he gave a weary nod.

“There’s plenty of source material available,” he said, “don’t get me wrong. But it can be hard to get people to open up to being interviewed until you’ve gone through the whole ‘Are you going to murder me?’ song and dance. It gets tiring.”

“Sure,” said the police officer, “but the one time you forget to check: Bam. Murdered.”

“They can’t murder you if you ask ahead of time,” a gas station attendant told us while we refueled. Then he climbed into the trailer and was still in the shower when we crossed the state line.

By the time we hit the coast, there were thousands of us in a linked together train of vehicles, ropes and pulleys allowing hitchhikers to navigate from one vehicle to another down the line, swaying in baskets suspended above the asphalt. We had two kites trailing behind and a hitchhiking monkey that would run supplies up to the fliers, who otherwise earned their keep letting us know about speed traps.

Nobody got murdered. We all asked the right questions.

But nobody thought to ask us what we were going to do when we hit the sea.

ending theme song
Last week’s Daredevil giveaway must have worked. I checked the link yesterday and it was claimed. So that’s a success. If you grabbed it and you like it, let me know.

Amanda and I have got a pile of postcards we’ve been drawing/writing on that are going to need new homes in the near future and I’d like to turn that into a benefit of membership. Friends of ours have received mail from us for years, but there are a few of you subscribers that I know for a fact I don’t have mailing addresses for. So if you want to be guaranteed of getting something in the mail every once in awhile as a side benefit for signing up for this nonsense, not to mention giving me the motivation to keep writing something, then please reply to this email with your current address.

Speaking of Amanda, she drew the missing tooth replacement illustrations. Pretty sweet, right?

What else. I think I’m going to put this newsletter down and hop on the Xbox. I’ve been spending time recently embodying some quasi-military oddball who’s been tasked with walking around a plague-ridden New York City in THE DIVISION recently. In this game, a highly infectious disease has swept through NYC, killing thousands– or millions– and everything’s in free fall. It’s post-Christmas, so the streets have decorations up, but not enough to maintain cheer in the face of mountains of garbage, abandoned vehicles, subways converted to body storage, and the sight of guys in hazmat suits trying to burn alive anyone they think might still be infected.

But it’s beautiful. I spend a lot of my time just walking the streets, admiring the play of light on snow, or the feeling of being lost in fog. I look around abandoned apartments and imagine the lives that were lived there. I’m basically a tourist, converting a game that’s supposed to be run-and-gun into a walking simulator, enjoying having the streets mostly to myself.

Or occasionally handing an energy bar or a bottled water to a civilian in need. Santa Claus with a virus-protection mask.

That’s where you’ll find me.

At least until next week.

–Michael Van Vleet

lost time incident 09
Hello hello hello. I have found my way into your inbox again. The door was unlocked. Couldn’t find the light switch, so I’m glad you’re here, as I’ve just been imagining that every shadowed shape in your inbox was something menacing.

You ever think about those teleporters on Star Trek? I find myself thinking about them every once in awhile and this last week, I was at it again. In Star Trek, a body on a star ship is taken apart into atoms. Then, miles away, a body just like it is created. We were meant to believe that there’s a continuity of experience for the away team members, but it’s a trick, isn’t it?

Those atoms don’t actually make the journey. They can’t. So the machine must be using molecules on the planet’s surface to make an exact copy of everyone, right down to the electrical pattern in their mind at the moment they were shipped down. Then, as if the human body and its systems were simply clockwork, we’re to grant that those space explorers carried on as before.

Is a human being a collection of molecules? Or is a human being a pattern?

Our molecules change over time. Cells die. We eat, we excrete. We’re much closer to patterns.

That being the case: If you have a machine that can make a perfect copy of you, what’s the value in destroying the original you? Why not just send a copy of you down to the planet and ask it to report back?

And once you’ve done that, why ever pick that copy back up again? Do you need it?

Could you be the sort of space traveler who could knowingly condemn a copy of yourself to death on a planet? “Hey, while you’re down there, can you accomplish this mission of ours?” Do you know yourself well enough to trust that an exact copy of you, down the gravity well, wouldn’t be so resentful of drawing the short straw and finding itself a copy– despite having all the memories of being you, the original– that it wouldn’t do you any favors? That you wouldn’t be creating your perfect arch-nemesis? A betrayed-at-birth copy of you that can’t come home because you used a machine to create it somewhere you couldn’t be bothered to go?

The more I think about this, I guess I’m seeing why you have to disintegrate the original. Otherwise, what’s to stop anyone from creating an army of themselves somewhere? And wouldn’t a just society declare that stranding a copy of yourself on a planet is some form of self-hate crime?

But you and I know. If you step into a transporter and it’s going to disintegrate you, it doesn’t matter what happens after that point. You’re standing in a suicide box. You’re going to experience death. Your pattern may pick up somewhere else with no memory of dying… but the space traveler who stood on that glittering pad and let a computer pick it apart… it’s gone.

Just take a shuttle. I guess that’s the advice I’m giving.

locally sourced
The aliens made contact and they seemed nice enough, so we got used to them hanging around. For the most part, we just wanted to learn about their technology. We were so nice to them during our cultural and technological exchanges that they reached the point where they felt comfortable telling us that we tasted great, if they were being honest. In years gone by, they said, they had eaten some humans, yes, but they were much more humane these days. No more snatching up people in rural areas.

These days, the aliens offered tech and currency for the right to remove a single leg from a human for consumption back home. And they replaced the leg with one that was lighter, more flexible, plus it could store data. It didn’t seem like a fair trade for the aliens, but they said they had these leg replacement things just taking up room on their ships, like 1 gig thumb drives or spindles stacked with CD-Rs were for us.

This exchange, meat leg for data-storing leg, created a new class of wealthy, limping people. You would see them shopping for luxury goods, their legs blinking in sync with their ear pieces, either on phone calls or listening to music. Some social climbers who were too scared to lose a limb would affect the limp and never be seen without pants, just to keep the illusion up.

And I could get used to it, except that condiment companies are now courting the alien demographic that watches our television, whether for entertainment or for study, trying to sell them sauces that improve the taste of our legs through slick ad campaigns and catchy jingles that appeal to the alien’s set of musical aesthetics. The jingles sound like logging saws flapping in the wind, snapping like flags in a hurricane.

I just can’t watch that.

Call me old fashioned.

jeebs and woobster
Woobster was a rich man, but never a bright one, and so when Jeebs volunteered his services as a manservant, Woobster just said “Sure, whatever, here’s where I keep my money, so take a decent wage” and went back to hard-boiling eggs… well, actually, he was boiling half dozens of them, pulling the eggs out of the water at different times, and trying to see if he could catch one at the very moment it became hard-boiled with a well-timed shell-cracking ambush.

His fingers were prune-y from the water and the blisters, as the eggs came out quite hot.

—

Woobster had a dreadful fear of his Aunt Agnes and came to Jeebs with the problem: a visit was imminent. How could the social call be avoided?

“Not to worry,” said Jeebs, who took a clean spade out of the closet where it rested by the ironing board. He led Woobster out to a nearby park where, is it happened, he had already taken the liberty of digging a grave-sized hole and supplying a comfortable casket. “If you’ll please do me the kindness of reclining…”

Woobster lowered himself in, pushing his manicured fingers into the padded casket’s sides. “Quite well cushioned, Jeebs, well done. But I say… once you’ve shoveled the dirt on top of me, won’t there be— and I’m not trying to impugn your planning or expertise, you understand, and I’m quite grateful for this hiding place where Aunt Agnes is quite unlikely to find me, but— air quality will be an issue, won’t it?”

“I’ve already taken that into consideration,” said Jeebs, tossing an air freshener in the shape of a pine tree onto Woobster’s chest. It fluttered down, end over end, and Woobster had just enough time to remove its plastic sleeve and catch his first scent of chemical pine when Jeebs kicked shut the casket’s lid and the first skittering sounds of pitched dirt started clattering across its surface.

oh no teens
There was nowhere left to go. Every movement was co-opted. The only way to go was back into the mouth of the beast and so the kids in our town started wearing polos with company logos on them and loitered in the aisles of those stores. Staying underfoot.

“Do you know where I can find office chairs?”

A contemptuously curled lip. “Sure, man. I’ll show you.” And they’d lead the customer around the store until they found it, like a real employee, the irony so understated that the only way you’d be able to tell is when the teen never drew a paycheck.

A prom full of young men wearing bright vests, pins on them declaring sales, all the girls with nametags and magnetic keys.

Gang graffiti at the commuter train station. Groups like The 401Ks. The Weekend Crew. Shipping and Receiving. A gang hideout decorated with the clipped neckties of rival crews and pamphlets about retirement communities. The teens filling binders with cut out pictures of toddlers, calling them The Grandkids, comparing them like trading card collections, like statements from a diversified portfolio.

We asked the teens why.

“I’m always happy to help a member of the media,” they said.

“Is there any chance I could get back to you after my shift,” they said, straightening shelves of product.

“I will live in any suburb,” they said, “and drive any vehicle that can hold an entire soccer team. I have sliced oranges in the back. For a snack at half-time.”

Teens teens teens. Why do we ever talk to them. Why do they do anything. When we were teens, it was different. And what are we now? At some point, we changed.

“Can we help you?” asked the teens, but they don’t mean it. They’ll grow out of it.

signal recommendation
May I suggest joining Warren Ellis’s mailing list, Orbital Operations? He’s a comic book writer, but also a novelist and avid reader of interesting things. His most recent issue, which came out today, had an interesting stretch about how we’re not, as a species, doing that good a job at recognizing how science is proceeding so rapidly as to make science fiction unnecessary. It’s hard enough keeping up with how weird the world really is.

Here’s an excerpt:

When I rattle around Europe talking about the future, I like to try and refocus people’s vision.

We’ve fired a camera at Pluto that’s travelling at fifty eight thousand kilometers an hour this week. We can now see thirteen billion years into the universe’s past. There’s now a 2D material that appears to decompose within a couple of days but actually remains solid – it just becomes almost completely invisible. Researchers in Paris can stop and store light. A space drive is being tested that appears to break the laws of physics. The PH of a geyser plume on the moon of Enceladus has been identified. Dolphins have social networks. There are six people living in space today, and we have five space robots around Mars right now. At least six new species have been discovered in the last few days. Artificial muscles have been constructed from gold-plated onion cells.

This is all in the last WEEK. This is just the FUN stuff. That’s more serious, important, charged newness than happened in entire years, a millennium ago. Perhaps even ten years.

So if you want to see the creator of TRANSMETROPOLITAN continue to absorb the future, head on over and sign up for that mailing list as well.

ending theme song
Imagine: A rainy night. A mayor sheepishly asks a locksmith to open up the whole town again because he lost the oversized novelty key to the city. Just… patting his pockets, checking the cushions in his car seat. That’s kinda funny, right? Oh man. I bet the people locked inside the city would be preeeeetty ticked.

Oh, wait, I’m supposed to be wrapping this thing up.

It almost never happens, but I’ve got social engagements this week that are going to force me out into view of the oppressive sky, out of my writer’s hidey-hole where I’m safe to craft this nonsense without interference from my enemies like The Sun, and Talking To People Having a Good Time. As such, this installment includes some old stuff from the recycling bin, but you woulda had to be on G+ to have seen it, and I’m pretty sure you weren’t. It’s new to you!

Anyway. I also have to go watch more Daredevil on Netflix. Related: as a thank you for subscribing, I’m giving away a digital collection of Daredevil comics on Comixology that covers the first 6 issues of Mark Waid’s amazing run. There’s not many of you subscribers, and even fewer who care about comics, or have a Comixology account, so I figure it’s safe to just include a link here and say the first person who wants to redeem this code is welcome to a free Daredevil book. (Actually, I think if you have an Amazon account you can redeem it as well, because Amazon now owns Comixology. Eh. You’ll find out.) So if you want it, click through first and it’s yours.

Let me know if you got it. If this works, then I’ll feel more confident about giving away more digital stuff as the mood strikes, so long as I know it won’t go unclaimed.

See you folks in a week.

–Michael Van Vleet

lost time incident 08
The view outside the window is a rainy one again. Even though it’s mid-afternoon, I’m the only one awake in the house, so that means it’s time to knuckle down and figure out what’s going to go into this week’s installment. I have pushed the procrastination envelope as far as it’s going to go.

I spent yesterday wandering a digital wasteland, playing Fallout 4, and got back to playing the main story mission… which is just getting exciting. For the entire game, I had a world map that showed me the locations I had visited and the extent of the game world, so all of my meanderings and monster shootings were in context.

And then yesterday, a mission took me right to the edge of the map… and then off it. It’s a brilliant bit of game design. For weeks and weeks, I thought I knew where I was, but as I enter the most desolate areas of the map, the ground burnt black, the skies a sickly yellow with radioactive storm clouds, and suddenly I’m as lost as the protagonist. I have no idea how far out this world goes.

One of the genre labels for this type of game is “open world” because you can wander anywhere and do things in whatever order. It was a name meant to differentiate this new form of game storytelling from earlier games, where the technology wasn’t there yet to let you just pick a direction and walk in it. Games had obvious paths they wanted you to go down, to control your experience.

But even an open world has limits. In GTA V, you could walk for over 2 hours to get from one side of the map to another. (Not that you would. The game has cars.) But at some point, you’re going to hit a wall. This far, and no further. Nobody has built a globe-sized game yet. Unless we’re living in it (see: theories about universe as a hologram, multiverse theory, the fact that building a simulation of a universe is something that can be done multiple times while presumably the really-real world is only created once, thus ensuring that statistically the odds of being in a simulation is greater than the odds of being in the original universe etc. etc.).

Subconsciously, in a game, you feel like you know how far you can go. More or less. Which is why I was so tickled when Fallout 4 yanked out the rug and sent me off the map. Suddenly, the virtual world wasn’t so predictable. It was suddenly closer to real life, where I also don’t know what’s going to happen.

I don’t even know what I’m going to type next.

Let’s see where the invisible walls are.

random number generation
Last week, we announced a drawing for original Detective Yeti artwork. Thanks to an online number generator, the Fates have conspired to bless Shoshanah as our winner. If she’s still on County Road, then we’re all set. If not… let us know a preferred mailing address, please.

We have condolence postcards lined up for all participants, so everyone’s a winner, except those who didn’t take the time to enter.

For those folks: They’ll just have to haunt flea markets and country boutiques for knock-off versions of our intellectual property, like air-brushed t-shirts of Doctor Bigfoot in hip hop gear, hair in dreads, crossing his arms and looking hard, or needle-point pillows with Detective Yeti dressed in a nightgown and cap, shouting “I AM A VERY LOVING GRANNY”

TED whispers
Finally got my TED Whispers speech approved so I’ll be giving a PPT presentation at low volume, under covers, in the dark, adrift at sea.

Lot of good topics at this year’s TED Whispers gathering. Some must-sees:

• How to Be a Quiet Boy the Girls Won’t Pick On
• A Survey of the Noises of House Shoes
• I Know Who Has a Crush On You
• Let’s All Sleep Right Now

interview
Q: So as the world’s foremost photographer of paranorm–

A: Oh, come on. I specifically said I was only going to come on this program to talk about my landscape photography and recent exhibits.

Q: We’ll get to that, of course, but I think our viewers are most interested in–

A: Do I have to squeeze it in? Really quick, uh, influences: Ansel Adams, obviously. But also the works of Bernd and Hilla Becher. Architecture can be just–

Q: Of course, of course, no, we’ll get to that. But your ghost photos…

A: Uh huh.

Q: You’ve been quoted as saying “Ghosts are a pain in the a–…”– well, we can’t say that at this hour, but you continued, “They’re so desperate for attention. It’s pathetic.”

A: I stand by that quote. I mean, it was said in anger, obviously.

Q: Uh huh.

A: With the benefit of some time passing, my opinion is a bit more nuanced now. That quote was something I posted to social media after the first time I had several rolls of film ruined because supernatural elements forced their way into the foreground… entirely unknown to me at the time I was shooting, or I could have worked around it.

Q: And were you able find out anything about these spirits, or what they were trying to communicate?

A: Oh, no. I never try to find anything out. I think it would just encourage them.

Q: Mm.

badge ‘n gun
The rogue cop storms into the chief’s office, sets down his badge and gun. As he exits, a clown comes in, just as angry, giant shoes flapping with fury, sets down her giant horn and seltzer bottle, storms out.

A vampire hunter comes in and sets down a carved stake and a crucifix, glares at the chief, then storms out, shoulder banging into a knight in armor who’s here to drop off a sword and the one true grail. The chief doesn’t back down. They’ve gone too far.

A tree spirit comes in. Sets down a dream of a mansion in the clouds and a shimmering necklace made of spider’s tears. As it leaves, the ficus in the corner of the chief’s office wilts. And that thing’s plastic. Shouldn’t even be possible.

“This is a nation of laws,” says the chief. “I got the mayor breathing down my neck.”

The mayor is in a playful mood. The mayor is sitting on the back of the chief’s chair, breathing down his neck, ruffling his hair, writing on a Trapper Keeper the words “Mrs. Chief Mayor.”

A yeti barges in. It slams down a hunk of yak fat and a mostly melted snowball. It storms out.

The chief’s desk is piled high. Weapons, plates of food, decorative items, uniforms, badges, three flags, the weight of expectations from a public that fears him and needs him. It cracks in half, everything sliding out into the hall. An amulet ends up under the evidence lockers. An ant farm shatters, the ants scattering, putting on uniforms, answering phones, filling in paperwork, antennae twitching as civilians come in looking for answers.

And still, the chief isn’t happy. It’s chaos out there, beyond the walls of his office. Rules haven’t been followed. Buildings have exploded. Cars have flipped. Cupcakes have had their frosting tops mushed by the very lids that were designed to protect them.

“You’re finished in this town,” mutters the chief, to no one in particular.

ending theme music
Hoo boy. Barely made it. Just have enough time to get this thing formatted and eat some dinner before it’s time to check in with work. Here’s hoping I’ve learned a lesson about procrastination. (I probably haven’t.)

Thanks again to my wife Amanda, who this week supplied a leaning ghost drawing she did last night to see if it would make a good writing prompt. It worked!

A list of things I thought about but didn’t write about:

) having a conversation with an A.I. that thinks so much faster than you that it has to set up a multi-generational project to keep track of the conversation

) biographies of more criminal elements from the city of Pagoda, WI.

) something about the continuity of consciousness

) anti-hippy music

Maybe next time. Thanks for sticking around!

–Michael Van Vleet

Nonsense.

No nice weather can sway me from my entirely unnecessary commitment to send out an email newsletter every week. There’s nothing at all that depends on my ability to meet this commitment that I never explicitly made, and as such, it must come first above any other adult responsibility.

So here we go. Indoor activity.

the promised contest
A few issues back, longtime subscribers may remember that we showcased original artwork from AJ Summers featuring Detective Yeti, that popular franchise character born of this project. It was a modified postcard that originally was a reprint of an EC Comics cover. I said that we’d come up with a contest to determine who would get that postcard mailed to them.

Well, contest time is now!

If you would like to be in the lottery to receive an original Detective Yeti postcard, just reply to this email and, somewhere in the body text, include the words: I AM A VERY GOOD DETECTIVE

You can put other words in the email, in any order, but those particular all-caps words really ought to be in that recommended order. You can even copy & paste.

Deadline for entry is Saturday, March 12th, and we’ll announce the winner in the next newsletter.

cap’n ahab

A bit of recycling, in case you missed it. From my Twitter account this week:

Sad to think that Capt. Ahab could have avoided his fate, but someone wrote “don’t ever change” in his yearbook… makes you think.

Later the same day I posted that joke, I unsubscribed from a mailing list, which gave me a new audience to share the joke with: Whatever low-level intern was charged with reading through the reasons people gave for unsubscribing. A captive audience. The best kind.

I figured I would just paste a few sentences in, then come up against a character limit. But nope! Every time I added more text, the box kept expanding. So I grabbed the entire first chapter of Moby Dick from Project Gutenberg.

movie trailer [creepy music plays]

[the camera pans up and through bare tree branches, black against a night sky, then approach the lit windows of a hospital as the creepy music intensifies]

VOX: This summer… pray you don’t get sick…

[a nurse screams and from off screen, red syrup is sprayed at her as if squirted out of two hand-held condiment squeeze bottles]

A SERIOUS LOOKING MAN: This hospital, I gotta tell you. I don’t like working here.

[in an empty room, unoccupied hospital beds vibrate and jump as if manipulated by unseen forces]

VOX: HOSPITAL OF BAD THINGS… the movie that dares to ask the question: Why are you still watching movies? Oh my gosh, there are so many better things you could be doing. Pet a dog. Doesn’t even have to be your dog. Wash a dish. Even one. Movies are terrible.

A SERIOUS LOOKING WOMAN: I’ve never liked movies. And that was true even before all the murders and hauntings started happening at this hospital.

A DOCTOR: Okay, open your mouth and say “aaaah”…

[a voice responds with an “aaaah” that increases in pitch and volume until the doctor’s ears bleed and from off screen, he’s sprayed with clear syrup as if the budget ran out and there was no more red food coloring]

A DOCTOR: I thought you were a patient, but you’re something scary! Ah! Oh no!

VOX: HOSPITAL OF BAD THINGS. You’ll never visit another hospital… again. Well, I mean… you probably will. Statistically, somewhere in your future is a terrible accident or health problem that’s going to require you to–

[a tornado of clipboards and thermometers and stethoscopes whirls in the air around a small girl whose intense stare is directed into the camera and, by extension, you, the audience]

VOX: –visit a medical establishment, if not a hospital. I mean, if you think big picture, we’re healthy for just this brief, brief window. In a geological scale, we–

[a medical intern runs down a hallway, looking back over his shoulder as if pursued as wind rushes past him… he trips and crawls and regains his footing and… ]

VOX: — don’t exist for so much longer than we DO exist. HOSPITAL OF BAD THINGS. March 25th at select theatres. Be sure to stay in good HELL-th… that’s “health” but with the word “hell” inserted into it, which you might not be able to tell if you’re just listening to this trailer.

TITLE: MARCH 25th.

TITLE: HOSPITAL OF BAD THINGS

TITLE: We should have spent our time petting dogs instead of making this film, sorry.

ending theme song
Dang it. The weather still looks nice outside. I don’t think I can ignore my inner Mom voice for much longer. I’m going to have to go outside.

Thanks for sticking around for another week. If I don’t make it back, please send a squad out to look for my bones, drying out there in the unfamiliar sunlight. Keep any bone that strikes your fancy as a souvenir, if you like.

Later, gators,
Michael Van Vleet

lost time incident 06
As I write these words you’re now reading, it’s quarter to midnight and my eyes don’t want to stay open. But sleep and I don’t get along. I’ve had worse spells in my life, but sometimes I get really resentful of how much time sleep takes up, considering all the interesting things I could be doing with that time. There’s so much to read, listen to, or discover. Even sitting around doing nothing is better when you’re conscious for it.

So for now, I’m typing and trying to stave off sleep. It’s not going to work.

But while we’re here, let’s answer some fan mail:

[a hand rips open an envelope]

[from inside, the soft whirring of an electric engine, the susurrus of a mild breeze]

Thanks, fan! All we can say to that is [the sound of a switch being turned off].

casually creative
A few days back, I watched a Republican debate, mostly so that I could leave a Twitter window open and have context for the jokes being made by the comedians I follow. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to maintain an ironic distance when it comes to Donald Trump, though. Every time he attacked a candidate, I laughed, muttered “You complete dick,” and then had the thought that this playground bully might actually think he could lead the free world the same way. That took the fun out of it.

In the last few weeks, I’ve written a few unusual Trump endorsement announcements on social media:

BREAKING: Dark Malevolent Shadow In Corner of Child’s Room Endorses Trump

BREAKING: [feeling of shaking a cold, damp hand] has endorsed Trump!

And then, probably because YouTube has been showing me trailers for THE WITCH all week:

BREAKING: Leaf-eating Bog Witch Pledges Use of Her Kidnapped/Murdered Child Victims to Trump Campaign

“I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do with them,” a Trump volunteer was quoted as saying. “I don’t see how this is helpful. It’s horrifying. Are there– are there parents we need to contact, or— the police?”

I also recently shared my habit of filling in comment boxes on email unsubscribe forms. After all, I work in tech support myself. I know that some poor bastard actually has to scroll through whatever bramble of angry how-dare-you-email-me ranting and boring “nothing to add” messages are collected by these forms. So I like doing them a favor and putting something odd in there, just to catch their eye.

tourism guide
The economic downturn hit the tiny town of Pagoda, Wisconsin especially hard. The big factory that built electric razors moved to Sweden as part of the facial hair industry boom that was going on there.

The U-Store-It factory that at one time manufactured 70% of the country’s storage garages had burned down. The garages they built used to be shipped fully constructed (and if desired, already filled with cardboard boxes full of old clothes, tacky garbage and regrets). After the fire, the factory’s ashes were pushed into piles by the local volunteer fire department, then shoved into a garden shed. To date, no one has claimed those ashes.

Considering the dearth of employment opportunities, it just made sense when the town’s population decided, individually or in groups, to turn to crime. Within a few months, there wasn’t a single honest industry in town. In order to send a letter, you had to hand it off to the postal mafia, who would “kidnap” the letter on your behalf and contact the recipient for a stamp’s-worth of ransom money. The volunteer fire department would go door-to-door selling insurance, flicking lighters (though none of them smoked), and carrying open buckets of gasoline that sloshed around as they strolled the neighborhood.

There were still a few police officers. Officer Tom. Officer Pradesh. Officer Udom. Captain Jess. With no tax revenue being collected, they self-funded through search and seizure operations. Every Saturday, in the parking lot behind the police station, citizens would turn up to bid on their seized belongings, displayed on blankets, flea market style. Insultingly low bids were sometimes answered with a non-verbal refusal in the form of pepper spray, liberally applied.

The town had been founded by a 19th century naval officer who had been stationed in China for many years. Upon returning to the States to retire with his fortune, he found a considerable plot of arable land in Wisconsin. Dressed in a silk costume of his own design, he paid gold, and after bowing to the state clerk who drafted the receipt of funds, the naval hero immediately set about building a Chinese palace for his home.

To this day, the McCombe Castle and Catacombs (though unfinished) are open to the public. In the basement is a museum with displays about the history of the town. On the first through fourth floors are a criminal gang, dressed in kung fu outfits looted from the martial arts studio that used to be by the minimart. They call themselves the McCombe Clan and say that they are in supernatural communication with the town founder’s undying spirit, who they’ve sworn to resurrect using black magic and (judging by the evidence) awkward kicks and chopping motions. To date, these magics and motions have had no effect, save to ensure that very few people visit the museum.

notable citizens

Yosha “Duffle” Baggs – Baggs was born with unusually forgiving cartilage, which he discovered at an early age when his angry parents would ball him up like a discarded phone bill and throw him, with no discernible ill effect. His talent for contortion would serve him well during Pagoda’s post-law era as he and a partner would regularly burgle houses using one of two methods.

In the first, Baggs would fold himself into a duffle bag and his partner would leave the bag on the porch of a targeted home. The homeowner, on finding a bag with no owner, would usually take the bag inside, intent on selling its contents. Upon opening the bag and seeing human limbs, however, the homeowner would usually assume that they’d found evidence of a murder, presumably one being pinned on them, or else why would the bag be on their porch, and so they would stash the bag somewhere while they figured out how to flee town. After nightfall, Baggs could unzip himself out of the bag, help himself to valuables, then slip out undetected.

In the second burgling method, Baggs would make himself comfortable inside a gym bag and then have his partner fling the bag onto the roof of a targeted house. Few people look at their own roof, and even if they did and saw a gym bag, odds are they wouldn’t assume the bag has anything of value. “Probably just thrown up there by a school bully,” they might think. Once night falls, the roof-bound bag would extrude Baggs and from there, he’d gain entry.

Caroline Watts – Watts has claimed that she’s lost all feeling in both of her hands, which has made them terrifying weapons in a scrap. Previous unarmed opponents of hers have ended up with facial features that have been described as “soup like”, “Picassoed”, and “worse than they used to be, though not by much— I’m saying they were ugly! Get it?” When Watts is asked how, if she has no feeling in her hands, she can do such daily activities as tie her own shoes or open doors, she’s been known to smile and say “Other people can do that sort of stuff for me.”

In the post-law-abiding era in Pagoda, Watts built a reputation as a standover artist, known for pummeling a fellow criminal and kidnapping them, then ransoming them back to their gang associates. The local police department strongly advises against greeting her with any variation on “Watt’s up” or “Watt’s happening.”

the best medicine
Two young doctors stood next to an operating table. One of them, Doctor Singh, monitored vital signs while the other, Doctor Lopez, updated the patient’s chart.

“As soon as the surgeon arrives, this should go fairly smoothly,” said Singh.

“Oh yeah?” asked Lopez.

“Based on the tests run earlier today, blood levels, the patient’s symptoms… all signs point to a gallbladder attack. Very painful, but removing the gallbladder is pretty much an outpatient procedure these days.”

“Sure,” said Lopez.

“Unless— and this is statistically unlikely— this particular patient proves resistant to the anesthesia or their gall bladder has an unusually thick nest of connective tissue fusing it to nearby organs or muscle groups. So far, the patient shows no signs of resistance to anesthesia, so… we’re probably pretty good.”

The door to the operating theater opened and the doctors found themselves enveloped in a pungent cloud, as if a pack of microscopic wet dogs had just found their way into their nostrils and started rolling around, or as if a swamp’s worth of damp organic matter had belched into an uncooked bowl of falafel.

Through the door, dressed in surgeon’s kit, came a seven foot tall creature, fur erupting around the face mask stretched across its muzzle.

“Doctor Bigfoot,” said Singh.

“Gentlemen, thank you for the prep work. Which case is this again?” Doctor Bigfoot’s enormous clawed hand trailed across a tray of surgical instruments.

Lopez flipped through the chart. “Gallbladder removal. Laparoscopic cholecystectomy.”

“Right, right,” said Bigfoot. “So here’s what we’ll do. We’re going to drag this body out behind the building until we reach that stand of pine trees. Then we’ll use our front limbs to scoop dirt over it until it’s covered. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not even hungry yet, so… yeah. Quick burial and we’ll circle back in a few days, see how the patient’s doing. Should be ready to eat then.”

“Uh,” said Lopez.

“I think that’s a terrible idea,” said Singh. “For one thing… we’re doctors. We heal people. We don’t … you’re proposing eating a patient. Am I understanding that correctly?”

“YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT? I am a magnificent doctor! I studied under the greatest healers the redwood coastal regions have ever known! I once cured a deer’s depression using moss! I once replaced a bear’s entire skull with bark!”

“We’re familiar with your achievements,” said Lopez. “We have this conversation every time.”

Singh pressed his fingers to his eyes. “No, we know. It’s just… sometimes it seems like your background leads you to make… unconventional suggestions.”

Bigfoot’s pupils dilated. The room and Singh seemed like distant distractions.

Years ago, in medical college, a surgeon yelling: “Who dressed these raccoons up in nurse’s scrubs?”

Years ago, in a lecture hall, a lecturer yelling; “Whose large dog is that in the back row taking notes?”

Years ago, in an ER, as Bigfoot leans over a small child: “How many limbs did you come in here with? And you’re sure none of them were tree limbs? Even though tree limbs are demonstrably better?”

ending theme song
I’m glad I’m doing these and I’m glad you have been coming along for the ride. It’s been good to get the ol’ fiction writing muscles back into shape. Rediscovering what sort of writing I enjoy, as opposed to the sort of writing I’ve oftentimes thought I should be doing, but didn’t particularly want to.

Thanks as always to my wife Amanda for supplying an original illustration in the form of Dr. Bigfoot.

And special thanks to those of you who have shared my infomercials on social media. They don’t work— like, at all— but isn’t it nice that we all tried? They’re fun to write, anyway.

Most of this week’s installment was written in a neighborhood noodle house / tea shop. I’m gonna call it now: coffee shops are played out. Get somewhere that has almond cookies and oolong, man. Times are changing.

Signing off:
The completely changed
Michael Van Vleet

lost time incident 05

This week, the weather has gone back and forth, from a midnight storm and lightning strike in the neighborhood that set off car alarms to a stretch of hot days that made short sleeves a requirement. It’s an odd winter. It’s been a week where flocks of birds are found lying in the fields and, when viewed from above, are in the shape of a larger, single bird. It’s been a week where a dog, its fur damp, will lope out of the fog toward you, a human hand in its mouth, and it will just watch you fumble with your keys as you try to get inside and away from whatever’s out there in the fog.

Crazy weather. Strange winter.

hi-ho, silver away

So what have we been up to? As little as possible. In a capitalist system, you don’t have to do anything, so long as you have money to spend. So I spent some of it commissioning fiction from a writer I was introduced to via Twitter: Ruben Ferdinand. I had been charmed by the gonzo noir weirdness of his Dick Hardboiled tweets and when he posted that he was taking commissions to write fiction, I thought his imagination would be an interesting prism to shatter an idea against.

For those of you who’ve read lost time incident 02, you’ll remember that I had some ideas about how it might be interesting to explore the racial/imperialist themes of The Lone Ranger by shifting the genre to sci-fi and telling the story of a human who was put in the position of “wise native” by an alien.

Ruben took the idea (and some cash) and ran with it. For your amusement, we’re happy to introduce a hero for some other age: The Lone Ranger

4×6 no envelope please don’t read

I was just poking around through some of my old files and came across this bit that I had written about, then filed away and forgot about:

postcards from terrible spies

• In my country, we don’t have this word “encrypt”. If you want message left inside dead-person-building, you must say which dead-person-building. Otherwise, I use postcards, which are easy and no dead people. Anyway, missile is built, yes. Come destroy.

• I lost our code book. Can you send me the code word versions of these words so I can send them? “Missile” “Nebraska” “ready” “please” “destroy” “soon” “nuclear” Thanks!

• Received your latest encoded message, but could not understand last bit. “I have always loved you.” Code book does not include this phrase. If this is important to your suicide mission, please re-encode and send again

cool corpse

The body had been found behind the back of a suburban house in a subdivision that was still under construction. It was at the bottom of a pit that was some day to be filled with concrete to form a swimming pool for some well-to-do nuclear family.

Two police officers stood next to the body, taking notes and waiting for the coroner to arrive. The mid-afternoon sun beat down on their blue uniforms.

“I’ve been watching a lot of cop shows,” said Singh, the taller of the two men.

“Why?” asked Lopez. He paused, his pen suspended above the notepad’s surface.

“A number of reasons, I suppose,” said Singh. “To see how much less exciting my actual day job is when compared to its fictional equivalent. To get a sense of moral superiority whenever I spot an inaccuracy. Occasionally, I’ll learn something.”

“Oh yeah?” asked Lopez.

“Sure. For example, this body here? I would estimate… that it’s been here for four hours or less.”

Lopez looked down at the body. “No kidding.”

“There’s hints. I saw them on this television show. Lady shows up, says if the body’s been dead for around four hours, you’ll find the limbs are stiff. Rigor mortis. Just like this guy.”

Lopez idly tried to lift the arm of the body with the toe of his boot. It was not a successful attempt. “Rigor mortis. Yeah.”

“And if we were to touch the skin, we might still see it blanch as the blood leaves the area and does not return. In a few more hours, the blood will have clotted, and we can press all we want– won’t make any difference.”

“Doesn’t make any difference now,” said Lopez.

“Ah, but you’re thinking big picture. I am referring to the very small picture. It would make no difference to how the skin will react.”

“Gross.”

“Indeed,” said Singh. “That’s why I poked the body with a stick. My reasoning was two-fold. One: it allowed me to test for blanching of the skin. Two: it did not introduce any oils from my own hands that may be picked up by  any forensics pathologist later, who may be tempted to add me to the suspect list.”

“You’re not a suspect,” said Lopez. “You were with me four hours ago.”

“Yes,” said Singh. “You’re my alibi. Also, I’m a police officer and not a murderer. There are many factors in my favor. Also, note the presence of flies.”

“Sure,” said Lopez. “There’s flies. We’re outdoors. That’s mostly where you’ll find flies.”

“But no maggots. If there were maggots on the body, we could assume that the flies have been present for long enough to go through many steps of their life cycle. They have not. That also establishes how long–”

From behind the two officers came a yawping sound. Both officers turned to note the arrival of their colleague, an immense white-furred beast that stood at 7 feet tall, its muzzle panting with excitement, sharp teeth glistening in the afternoon’s light. It stood at the lip of the dirt pit.

“Detective Yeti,” said Lopez.

“Good afternoon, gentlemen. I heard we had a body.” The creature hopped down into the pit and bent to examine the body.

“You heard correctly,” said Lopez. He looked down at the notepad in his hand. “Singh here has been going over what he figures was the time of death. I wrote down here that his money is on ‘about 4 hours.’ This is based on the rigidity of the limbs, the responsive color of the skin to pressure, and the presence of–”

“Why are we standing here in this pit? This kill is fresh! This body has been here for a few moments, at the most! Did you see the killer flee? The murderer could very well be within sight! With our giant feet, prodigious stride, and keen senses of smell, we three may yet catch the killer!” Detective Yeti bolted upright and started to climb back out of the dirt pit.

“What?” said Singh.

“Ditto,” said Lopez. “Detective Yeti, there’s no way the killer’s nearby. This body has been here a while.”

From the lip of the pit, his eyes scanning back and forth for a sight of the mysterious killer, the creature who served on the side of the law gave a low, angry bark. “NO. I AM A VERY GOOD DETECTIVE. I don’t see how you could have ignored the obvious!”

“How’s that, Detective?” asked Lopez.

The yeti sighed. “Okay, if you’re not going to leap out of that pit and help me chase the killer, that’s fine. I am a very good detective and will find them even if they have a few more minutes to flee. These are the facts. ONE: Look closely at the body’s eyes. Do you see anything odd about them?”

Singh leaned down. “They look … milky. Like a dead person’s eyes.”

“THEY ARE NOT FROZEN.” Detective Yeti pointed an accusing claw down at the body. “Any body left out in the open like this would have the liquids in its eyes and orifices start freezing immediately. In the Himalayas, every child knows this. Basic knowledge.”

Lopez looked up at the mid-afternoon sun. The day was quite warm. Full of bird song and the dim rumbling sounds of earth-moving equipment, coming from distant lots in the subdivision.

“TWO: Have you tried to move the body?” Somewhere under all the fur on Detective Yeti’s face, an eyebrow tried to elevate itself. The Detective had lived long enough among humans to manage to imitate many of their most common gestures, from shaking hands instead of licking faces, and indicating skepticism with eyebrows instead of open-handed blows.

“We’re not supposed to touch the body,” said Lopez. “Contaminates the crime scene.”

“I did poke it with a stick,” said Singh. “But the stick was part of the crime scene, so…”

“THE BODY IS NOT FROZEN TO THE GROUND!” bellowed Detective Yeti. Singh and Lopez covered their ears. They could hear the sliding glass door of the nearby home rattle in its metal runner. “Any body that falls to the ground can’t help but melt the ice and snow with its body heat. Yet this body can be pulled free without effort. The ice has not refrozen around it.”

Singh tapped his hand against the nightstick that swung on his hip thoughtfully. “Begging your pardon, Detective, but I suspect that you are perhaps viewing this current crime scene through the lens of your own life experience and not taking into consideration your current–”

“I AM A GOOD DETECTIVE! I am a VERY GOOD DETECTIVE!” The glass sliding door surrendered with a tinkling collapse somewhere behind the lip of the dirt pit that Singh and Lopez were now crouching in, covering their ears. “I solve cases! No matter the size of the criminal, be they a GOAT or a SHERPA or another YETI!”

“It’s just not cold here!” said Lopez.

Detective Yeti stood stock still. A look of doubt passed over his face, briefly. His claws clenched and unclenched. “Not… cold.” His thoughts slowed, like a bear readying for hibernation. A boiling teapot stopped whistling. A carpet of leaves fell softly onto a quiet forest floor. A library decorated with seats of velvet slowly sank into a swamp.

“It’s not cold,” Detective Yeti repeated.

Miles away, the killer shivered, but it was because the air conditioning at a local electronics store was set on a rather high setting, and the killer’s post-murder sweat cooled on his skin as he flipped through discounted films on Blu-Ray. “Physical media’s on the way out. But hell, today, we’re celebrating,” he said. After all, what about all those special features? Gag reels! Commentary tracks!

Animated menus!

watching other things

• Hong Kong comedian/actor/director Stephen Chow has a new movie called MERMAID that looks like it’ll be fun. [trailer]

• If you want to watch a great period piece detective movie set in 1930s Calcutta, India, look no further than DETECTIVE BYOMKESH BAKSHY, a stylish film with an atypical soundtrack (both for the genre and for Indian films in general). It’s available on Netflix at the moment. [trailer]

• A third thing would go here if I had seen a third thing worth mentioning, but I haven’t, so I would like to cede my time to your own eyeballs. Let them look around at whatever they want for five minutes. It’s not always about you, you know.

ending theme song

Can you believe we’ve made it to the end of another one of these things? You know what that means? The little lump of meat we have in our chests that was set in motion with electricity years ago is still twitching away, pushing blood around, once every few seconds, and it’s still going! There it goes! Lub dub. Lub dub. Lub– dub. Oh man, way to mess with us, fist-sized meat that will one day let us down!

If you like what you’re reading, feel free to tell your friends. Feel free to make new friends by telling them about this newsletter. “Hey, there, stranger. I couldn’t help but notice that you know how to read a menu. Since you can decipher that text, maybe you’d like to use your literacy in this other fashion that involves short fiction and trying to make me overly aware of the status of my heart?”

Just a suggestion.

Thanks as always to my wife Amanda for providing artwork, this time by painting over an old EC comics postcard, converting it into a Detective Yeti tableau. As soon as I can think of a good idea for it, we’ll have some sort of giveaway for that original art, suitable for framing.

See you the next time we do one of these!

Your friend (and mine),

Michael Van Vleet

lost time incident 04

I accidentally clicked CTRL-V in the subject line for this email/newsletter and my computer pasted the phrase “I thought YOU were supposed to be the ghost.” I have no idea what the context was for that, or how long it’s been saved in this computer’s clipboard. To the best of my memory, I didn’t think anyone was a ghost today.

Or… is it a message from my computer? Does my computer think I was supposed to be a ghost? Has a ghost been using my computer?

Quit using my computer, ghosts. Getting the keys all dusty.

In this issue, you’re going to:
) get kicked and/or get started
) explore the limits of reality television
) solve crimes with a Himalayan wonder

every kick has to start somewhere

Over the years, I’ve supported a number of Kickstarter campaigns with pretty good results, but the last time I was browsing the site, it recommended a Kickstarter to me just because it was started by someone in the same town I live in: El Cerrito, CA.

The Kickstarter was looking to gather funds to cover startup costs for a new subscription business.  Once the business was launched, subscribers could pay a monthly fee and in return receive a box filled with 15 random comic books. No theme to those books, mind you. No idea what you’re getting at all. 15 random comic books.

The campaign page did not contain any decent explanation, either, as to why you’d want to Kickstart the creation of this poorly-thought-out business plan instead of just waiting to subscribe when it’s already up and running… assuming you were the sort of oddball who agreed that such a subscription service was a good idea.

15 random comics. I have a strong suspicion someone was just trying to get rid of their comic collection.

Anyway, that Kickstarter nonsense is why I ended up brainstorming terrible Kickstarter ideas like the following, and sharing them on Twitter:

Thank you for supporting my Kickstarter to donate little hats to wild elephants. We’ve unlocked the support tier: TINY PROPELLER BEANIE!

And shortly thereafter:

Thank you for supporting my Kickstarter to rewrite PRIDE AND PREJUDICE and insert more pride. New support tier unlocked: LIONS LIONS LIONS!

Second one was more popular. Goes to show that everyone likes a pun more than they like a visual gag that entirely lacks its visual component. Note that down. Put it in your Moleskine®. Tattoo it on your chest backwards, Memento-style.

I’m quite fond of my follow-up to that Pride & Prejudice joke:

We’re sad to announce that our Kickstarter to include more prejudice did not reach its fundraising goal, and I think we ALL KNOW whose fault that is.

If you can’t add more pride, add more prejudice. Right there in the name.

must you see tee vee

[Camera swoops out of the sky and drops toward a commuter train, winding its way on a raised railway through the tall buildings that crowd an American metropolis. The camera passes through a train car’s window, flies over and around commuter backpacks, dodges newspapers being unfolded and flapped, picks up the tinny noise of someone with cheap headphones listening to techno music entirely too loud so all you hear is the high hat tz tz tz-ing, before coming to a stop in front of a business suit and briefcase. It then pans up to a tie at the neck, then further up to the dead cold eyes of an enormous fish, the head poking out of the top of the suit. There’s no motion in the gills. This fish is not alive. Title card comes up:  ]

UNDERCOVER FISH

[Montage of scenes from previous episodes: ]

soundtrack:  “Visions” by New Arcades

[In a break room, the business suit with the fish head sticking out of the top leans against a lunch table as employees carry on conversations around it.]

[The fish in a business suit bops its unblinking face against a vending machine’s button, causing the machine  to dispense coffee.]

[Executives sit around a conference table, patiently waiting for the fish in a business suit to start a presentation. Projected on a wall is a slide labeled Q4 Projections.  Executives are exchanging glances, impatient, and yet the fish in a business suit has made no motion to advance the slide.]

[Sharp zoom into the cloudy eye of the fish as theme song concludes.]

title card: This week: Undercover Fish joins a teacher’s union!

[21 minutes of a teacher’s union meeting (plus ads to fill the 30 min. show slot) while a fish in a business suit takes up a chair, contributing nothing.]

ice / cold

Two uniformed police officers are in a living room, taking notes over the body of a murder victim. The victim has a significant wound to his torso. The living room looks nice, otherwise. Couch looks comfortable. Probably easy to take naps on. These facts can be true AND not particularly relevant to the case at hand. Maybe pay less attention to the decor and more to the task at hand, huh?

“Hey, Lopez, take a look at that,” says one of the officers, pointing at a damp spot on the carpet. “I’m not with forensics, but considering the shape of the wound and the complete absence of a murder weapon, I have to think that an anomalous wet spot on the carpet near our victim may be of some importance.”

“I bet you’re right, Singh,” said Lopez.

“This rings a bell, in fact,” said Singh. “When I was a kid, I used to read these mysteries starring a kid detective called ‘Entire-Set-of-Encyclopedias’ Ernie. He was the smartest kid on the block because he owned and had read an entire set of encyclopedias.”

“Must be where the nickname came from,” said Lopez.

“You solved that mystery pretty quick,” said Singh. “That is correct. The only time he could be stumped is late in the year, if a crime were committed that was relevant to some new facts that had not yet been published– like the redrawing of national borders, or the discovery of a new species of insect. He was vulnerable until the encyclopedia publishers issued an addendum volume. As such, the teen criminals in his neighborhood were keenly interested in current events.”

Lopez made an affirmative noise to show he was still listening as he continued writing notes into a notepad.

“Anyway, this is familiar. I remember a case where the murderer had crafted a murder weapon made out of ice. Using same, the murderer was able to complete the murder and leave the weapon, knowing it would melt at room temperature, thwarting ‘Entire-Set-of-Encyclopedias’ Ernie. It didn’t work, and I forget exactly which encyclopedia entry allowed Ernie to solve the case, but since that time I’ve remembered the melting murder weapon. Never expected to see it in action.”

“Not a bad theory,” said Lopez.

From outside the door came the sound of a heavy tread and then an enormous, furry figure ducked through the doorway and into the living room. A creature, six and a half feet tall, covered in white fur, its peaked head mounted in front by a muzzle full of sharp teeth.

“Morning, Detective Yeti,” said Singh.

“Morning, everybody,” answered the mountain-dwelling beast. “What do we have here?”

Lopez read from his notes. “Murder victim here, seems to have been perished due to some sort of stabbing attack. Singh noted a wet patch on the carpet nearby. Current theory forwarded by Singh is that, with the murder weapon not in evidence, it’s possible the murderer crafted a stabbing weapon out of ice, which has melted here on the floor.”

“That’s impossible,” said Detective Yeti. “Ice doesn’t melt.”

“What.” said Lopez.

“Ice doesn’t melt.”

“At room temperature, it does,” said Lopez.

Detective Yeti’s enormous brow raised in surprise. “Uh, I don’t think so. As my mother used to say: ‘If ice is here today, it’s also here tomorrow.’ On the steep slopes of the Himalayas I learned all I need to know about ice. It’s permanent.”

Singh raised a finger. “It’s possible that you’re letting your personal experience overshadow–”

“I AM A GOOD DETECTIVE!” shouted Yeti. “I AM A GOOD DETECTIVE!”

Windows rattled.

“I’ll never forget how I got this job,” continued Yeti. “Years ago, I had killed some Tibetan sherpas who had wandered too near my lair. I was captured and put on trial. From my experiences inside a Tibetan court… I learned next to nothing, actually. But in the prison where they kept me, they had a television that showed American police shows and that’s when I knew I wanted to solve crimes in America.

“When the judge put me on the stand to defend myself, I merely shouted, over and over again: I WANT TO GO TO AMERICA! I WANT TO SOLVE CRIMES! Attempts to silence me were met with a violence so horrible that they abandoned that courtroom, had it blessed by priests, then burned it down. They also gave me an airline voucher to come to America where I joined the police academy.”

Flashback: A row of young cadets cover their ears as a giant fanged monster shouts “I DO NOT HAVE TO DO PUSH-UPS. I HAVE TO FIGHT CRIME! YOU WILL CERTIFY ME AS A POLICE OFFICER!”

Later: “I WANT TO SOLVE MURDERS! YOU WILL LET ME SOLVE MURDERS!” A terrified police chief shoves a gun and badge across his desk before cowering under it. The newly appointed Detective Yeti throws both badge and gun out a window, howling in celebration.

Which brings us back to now:   “Ice doesn’t melt.”

“Okay, Yeti. So you must have another theory,” said Singh.

Detective Yeti’s face roils with thought. Like an ocean buffeted by a typhoon. Toothless gears skid past each other. A North Korean rocket streaks skyward before falling apart. A working class man carrying a box full of glass figurines slips on a banana peel. A souffle collapses. A star falls into itself, a black hole.

personal care

Found this device on Amazon today while waiting to see if I had a better ending for the Detective Yeti bit above:

Step 1 – Adjust screws to attach your device as firmly as you can stand.

Step 2 – Look at your reflection, you cyborg monster, and reflect on what brought you to this state.

Step 3 – Stop at 5 body goatees for best results. Now is not the time for fear.

ending theme song

Thanks for hanging around for another week. No real autobiography this week. Feels good to stretch the ol’ fiction writing muscles, though. To rediscover that I enjoy writing the most when it feels like a game and not when I’m trying to match what I consider to be “real writing” with actual characters and story arcs and planning … you know, the sort of thing you do if you write for a living. Which I don’t! Sweet freedom!

And no, I never came up with a better ending for Detective Yeti. So maybe I’m not done with that scenario yet. But for this week, I’m done.

Special thanks are due to my talented wife Amanda, who contributed the illustration of Undercover Fish’s presentation. Okay, now I’m done for real. More for real than the last paragraph lead you to believe. For really real this time.

Later, gators,

Michael Van Vleet