Category: Words Words Words

Spent hours walking around the neighborhood trying to find out where an accordion player was drowning in an outdoor pool filled with expired pudding until a member of the crew told me that was just my theme music.

If anyone were to ask me, the Opinion Haver, what it was that jazz fused with to create “jazz fusion” my response would be: garbage.

Nobody has asked me yet but I didn’t don the mantle of Opinion Haver without having full awareness of what a commitment like that might entail.

I see the reason for the misunderstanding. No, it’s called CASTLE SKELETON not because this stone building is housing any of the skeletons that regularly sweep through the village, dragging people through the mud and causing terror.

No, it’s just that a very rich skeleton paid us for naming rights to the place. Purely transactional, no endorsement implied.

A business card in the shape of a key.

A resume in the shape of a straitjacket with brass locks.

A job fair at the bottom of a tank of water.

Once again I was the only person marching in protest outside the ACE Hardware, trying to change hearts and minds, convincing people that meathooks and dangling chains can be quaint “ceiling accents” and don’t have to indicate that one is in a horror movie.

A community of pointy-eared forest dwellers all agree: the giant tree in the center of their leaf-thatched village sucks.

“Bark,” spat one. “Ugh.”

“I don’t see why it had to grow so high. What could possibly be up there?” added another.

“We’d burn it down,” said Dewlip, a local elder, “if we knew how.”

Anyone else making it out to the Future of Beef Expo this year? Eh? Don’t want to miss the first year they showcase spacesuits you can wear WITH your cow! No one else going? Just me? Only me? I’m alone? Mine is the only ticket purchased?

C’mon.

1) All the food on the snack table is forbidden. If you want any, you have to claim it was always yours and just take it.
2) Antivaxxers are welcome to take one (1) of the complimentary blankets provided.
3) Flags on everything. Flags flags flags. Those chunks in the dip? Flags.
4) Burn something. Food or childhood conceptions of the validity of borders. Or both.
5) Neglect to read or comprehend the provided rules.

I could invent a LARP where everyone plays a person who lays in a comfortable bed and naps but then I’d make too much money and be forced to retire and I’m not ready for that kind of easy life, I have a rough and tumble image to maintain.

SLEEP LARP: STANDARD EDITION
playbooks: Dozer, Yawnite, Snoozican

SLEEP LARP: STEALTH EDITION
playbooks: Rogue Sleeper, Undercover Op, Unidentified Bed Lump

SLEEP LARP: FANTASY EDITION
playbooks: Pillow Elf, Pajammies Gnome, “Human”

SLEEP LARP: IN SPAAACE
playbooks: Xenosnoozer, Mattress Marine, Blinking Night Light That Talks

1) Pavement Gum
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2) Sleeping in a Car
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3) Ransom Note
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4) Beach’s Fevered Shell
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