Has this ever happened to you?

[a shirtless man waves a stout tree branch in desperation, teeth clenched, surrounded by an encroaching army of over-sized red crabs, their claws drawing blood and rending the fabric of his pants]

Ha ha! Of course it’s happened to you! But what if there were another way?

Try new LOST TIME INCIDENT, a (so far) weekly newsletter from the guy behind this very infomercial: Michael Van Vleet, author of THE SPIRIT LEFT ME and the cult classic ME AND WHAT ARMY!

In your dusty, spam-clogged inbox, you could be receiving a fiction-and-nonsense-filled message to brighten your day. Finally! An email to look forward to! What an age we live in!

And you can go from this– [a crab’s claw shakily approaches the vulnerable throat of the shirtless man, who’s resisting its approach with all his strength] —

To this! [ a shirtless man pours tea from a dainty pot to tea cups on saucers, each one in front of a crab. the crabs are wearing top hats, monocles, or elaborate dresses and tiaras. a crab sips some tea, its pinkie extended— and the camera does a double take! How does a crab have a pinkie? it’s a human ring finger, attached with a corded rope of seaweed, and the camera pans over to the laughing shirtless man for an explanation, his hand bandaged where the finger used to be, and all the crabs rise and fall in nonverbal amusement at how silly their whole struggle was, and what’s a single finger among friends? ]

Subscribe now!