Once again I was the only person marching in protest outside the ACE Hardware, trying to change hearts and minds, convincing people that meathooks and dangling chains can be quaint “ceiling accents” and don’t have to indicate that one is in a horror movie.
we now go to our on-the-spot reporter, Shadows-On-Soft-Leaves
A community of pointy-eared forest dwellers all agree: the giant tree in the center of their leaf-thatched village sucks.
“Bark,” spat one. “Ugh.”
“I don’t see why it had to grow so high. What could possibly be up there?” added another.
“We’d burn it down,” said Dewlip, a local elder, “if we knew how.”
Future of Beef
Anyone else making it out to the Future of Beef Expo this year? Eh? Don’t want to miss the first year they showcase spacesuits you can wear WITH your cow! No one else going? Just me? Only me? I’m alone? Mine is the only ticket purchased?
C’mon.
The Signal: EP157
The Signal: EP157 – Exactly 45 minutes of sounds designed specifically for you, whoever you are. Who are you? We’ve got loud and soft sounds, electronic and fuzzy, punk and folk, bluesy and pirated from minidisc. Whether you’re a chair-dancer, a kitchen shimmy-er, or a drive time bopper, we’ve got you sorted.
Download by clicking on the link (or image) above. The file is available only for a limited time. If you’re interested in the tracklist, it’s in the mp3 itself, in the id3 tags. Or, if you sign up to be a member of our mailing list, The Tuned In, you’ll be among the first on the planet to know when a new mix is posted, and you’ll get a permanent archive link and the entire playlist, delivered to your inbox.
Spotify user? Here’s (most of) the EP157 playlist (sort of).
4th of July Party Rules
1) All the food on the snack table is forbidden. If you want any, you have to claim it was always yours and just take it.
2) Antivaxxers are welcome to take one (1) of the complimentary blankets provided.
3) Flags on everything. Flags flags flags. Those chunks in the dip? Flags.
4) Burn something. Food or childhood conceptions of the validity of borders. Or both.
5) Neglect to read or comprehend the provided rules.
Live Action Reclining Party
I could invent a LARP where everyone plays a person who lays in a comfortable bed and naps but then I’d make too much money and be forced to retire and I’m not ready for that kind of easy life, I have a rough and tumble image to maintain.
SLEEP LARP: STANDARD EDITION
playbooks: Dozer, Yawnite, Snoozican
SLEEP LARP: STEALTH EDITION
playbooks: Rogue Sleeper, Undercover Op, Unidentified Bed Lump
SLEEP LARP: FANTASY EDITION
playbooks: Pillow Elf, Pajammies Gnome, “Human”
SLEEP LARP: IN SPAAACE
playbooks: Xenosnoozer, Mattress Marine, Blinking Night Light That Talks
SUMMER LOOKS THAT’LL MAKE YOUR EYES DESTROY
1) Pavement Gum
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2) Sleeping in a Car
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3) Ransom Note
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4) Beach’s Fevered Shell
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miscellanay
BEHIND THE 7-11
has been voted the
2019 BEST PLACE TO COVER YOURSELF WITH LEAVES AND MAKE ‘NATURE NOISES’
Thanks to all of our readers who voted!
I am in mythical shape, insofar as my body is a feared underworld upon which clothes may find themselves draped as penance for their sins.
Very thankful the local A.I. told us about the natural phenomenon of windblown pod seeds, ’cause seriously, otherwise I’d assume the knocking on the vault door was someone desperate to get in and not just some husks banging against the door in a random sequence.
Happy father’s day to all the life-bearing asteroids out there in space, striking planets and contaminating pristine systems with replicating organisms and whatnot.
Live the kind of life where authorities are compelled to check your stomach contents so they can be shocked to find a license plate.
documentary
the moon: I’m gonna hit you in the eye.
pizza: Uh, that’s sorta my thing?
me: Please… you don’t have to fight over me. I have TWO eyes. You can both hit me!
—
naturalist voice-over: And this, somehow, was “love,” red in tooth and claw, a debased nightmare fueled by evolutionary processes millions of years in the working.
if only I didn’t count on that monthly support
The backers on my Patreon this month, they uh… they voted and, uh… they said I have to go out in the woods and fight a bear?
Even though I named my $1 tier “I’m deathly afraid of bears” and my $5 tier “I can’t go into the woods, the trees have destroyed my family” and my $10 tier “You can only stop me if you compel me to destroy myself”.