financial gaaaaains

a zombie apocalypse where every stumbling corpse has a briefcase and a business plan

there’s one person in the party who hides the fact that they took a full-color, trifold brochure… in a corner muttering about impossible rates of return on investment

survivors scattering paper currency as chaff while fleeing a horde

the goal: get to the co-op farm outside of town, eat veggies, maintain a perimeter

FIRST DATE IDEAS: MID-WINTER EXORCISM

Looking to kindle the flame of true love? ‘Tis the season to grab your paramour, don some leather protective bindings and some robes, and enter the darkness beneath the abandoned laundromat where Those Who Shun the Light doze the day away, or sharpen their teeth on paving stones. Many a night of romance begins with the kindling of underground murderfires! Couples, hand in purified hand, cleansing a filth-laden spiritual incursion!

[relatable content for good children afternoon edition may 2]

a depraved child of low moral character: There are some things for girls and some things for boys and there should be an equal amount of each to be fair

you (a good child, keen of wit): Whatever you can wrest with your own two hands is yours as your grasp is the only truth in this benighted world

As if working off an indenture contract by mining asteroids in the lawless belt ain’t hard enough, The Company assigned you a dang robot. (1d6)

  1. Mama Roach – Housekeeping protocol enforcement. Controls “lights out.”
  2. Elvin – Geology module installed. Talks to rocks. Doesn’t sleep.
  3. Kazock the Incredible – As required by law, an entertainment bot. Knows 3 magic tricks.
  4. MO1ST
  5. Sgt. Accounts – Armed paperwork management.
  6. Lance – Medic. Frequently breaks test tubes w/ its claws.

let us go then, you and I

The abandoned factory with its basement full of unused sparks in dizzying loose mounds.

The inaccessible stretch of beach that the seagulls circle, never landing.

The portal to a wonderland where your childhood toys are in a heap, damp, chewed on… guarded.

I have so many ideas for places to go on first dates, you guys.

The Signal: EP154

the signal ep 154 cover image - a robot inserts a maxelle cassette into its head

The Signal: EP154 – Exactly 45 minutes of music, custom designed to fit in your head’s cassette deck (or any other music player you have handy so long as it can play an mp3 file). We’ve got all sorts of aural delights for you this time out, including brain-shivering pop from Iceland and California, beautiful-ugly rock sounds from Sweden and New York, beats, cumbia, reggae, boogaloo… you’re gonna dig it.

Download by clicking on the link (or image) above. The file is available only for a limited time. If you’re interested in the tracklist, it’s in the mp3 itself, in the id3 tags. Or, if you sign up to be a member of our mailing list, The Tuned In, you’ll be among the first on the planet to know when a new mix is posted, and you’ll get a permanent archive link and the entire playlist, delivered to your inbox.

Spotify user? Here’s (most of) the EP154 playlist.

oh what now, the villagers have a quest for you (1d6)

1) The venom sheep got out and are in the forest and have eaten all the corn trees, so herd them back for gold or a sword that’s worse than the one you have.

2) Please deliver a marriage proposal to Bruiser.

3) The chief’s daughter has been kidnapped. Convert her bedroom into a rental.

4) Win a pie-eating contest. Gemma can’t win. Not again.

5) All the snakes in the Pit need names. And sweaters. Get in there. Knit. Name.

6) Go away.

This Wild West town seems abandoned, save for one lone occupant. (1d6)

  1. Dry Gulch Sam, a mascot character with a giant foam head, who is tied to the well in the town’s center.
  2. Lamb, a lamb.
  3. The Bartender, who ignores all questions and never offers a name.
  4. Jacksonian Emmet, the “revenue-er” and his wagon of forms.
  5. Sheriff Able Goodpowder, who has moved her rocking chair into the graveyard outside of town where she sits, reading and waiting.
  6. A fish. In a bowl. With a knife.

THE LAST STAND-UP COMIC trailer [HD]

In a world… where brick walls have been OUTLAWED…

[footage of military types demolishing a wall w/ a machine gun]

One… person… STANDS UP!

[a dirty individual with a person-sized brick wall strapped to their back walks into the light of a camp fire holding a mic-shaped stick]

comic: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! So great to see you all this evening–

a voice from the fire: He’s got A WALL!

THIS SUMMER… THE WALLS COME DOWN!

[PG]

Adrift in space AGAIN? What’s wrong this time? [1d6]

1) The navigation AI has fallen for the medical AI and they’ve circumvented the logical barriers separating them. Neither is useful as they… commingle.

2) Space puppies. Gotta stop and pet ’em. And not ask how they got in.

3) There’s more space than there was a little while ago and you’re in the middle.

4) General strike. Laser guillotine.

5) Dracula.

6) Corporate says all systems are pay-for-play now. Crew has terrible credit.