Why get angry online when you can just scream into a pillow case, then tie it shut, then toss it in the back of the linen closet where that anger will slowly grow into a full grown shadow of all the things you don’t like about yourself, standing in the closet, draped in towels and sheets, judging you every time you open the door?
Why did you even RSVP?
Everybody talks a big game about storming the Master’s castle with torches dipped in pitch, holding whatever crude weapons we can gather, but come the day it’s nothing but: “I’d love to go, but the Master’s dark flying minions have already plucked away my family for parts unknown and now I’m busy mourning them and clawing at the dirt floor of my home hoping it will swallow me” or “I’m all out of torches right now, sorry… I thought I had at least one left, but I just looked and… nope”.
Typical.
Colin Stetson – Judges (Live at Riverside Theater in Milwaukee, WI)
Colin Stetson – Judges from Dan Huiting on Vimeo.
[route to voicemail]
Everybody talks a big game about the exorcism of spirits, but when you’re pinned to your ceiling and a yawning spinning spectral pit opens beneath you, suddenly everyone’s got “other plans” or “forgot they weren’t sanctified or qualified for spook removal.”
+2 cap of sporing
The kids in the village have been getting into this role-playing game where each of them holds a mushroom cap and speaks on behalf of the mushroom.
It’s good to see them staying out of trouble, gathering in dark places, and using their imaginations to have dialogues such as:
“BE STILL. BE WET. ALL WILL GROW.”
[waggles mushroom in a friendly manner] “ALL WILL COME TO US IN TIME.”
Adorable.
thanks, calendar, I almost forgot
MEETING REMINDER: Summon Dark Forces
[DISMISS] [SNOOZE]
participants:
You
The Dark Forces (list)
The North Wind
The Smell of Doom
location:
inside the chalk-etched sigils of Meeting Room B (“Hummingbird”)
dial-in numbers:
[none selected]
SIGNS YOU’VE GOT A SHAPE-SHIFTER LIVING IN YOUR HOME
1) Sometimes you have two of that chair, sometimes you don’t
2) People passing by your home point at it and say to each other “That’s where that shape-shifter lives.”
3) You’ve told yourself, to your own face, that you’re imagining things and there’s no shape-shifter in your home
4) Mail arrives addressed to RESIDENT SHAPE-SHIFTER
5) (trick question) You’ve been able to change your own shape the whole time
A LIST OF THINGS I SAID JUST BEFORE GETTING BLOWN OUT THE AIRLOCK
1) There’s no way you’re going to blow me out this airlock.
2) You know all this air goes with me, right? You won’t get it back.
3) Why do they call it an airlock when it’s the doors that are locked?
michael’s house of cryonic bargains
okay vemture camelinists, i gotta business for you it’s DISCOUNT CRYONICS, so get your shoeboxes of money here’s how it works
when you die I get your head and put it in teh box you gave me full of money years and years ago (bigger box of money you give me = more head room)
then I put your head in my mom’s freezer which is real big, only got Otter Pops in there, and then we wait ’til aliens are like “knokck knock got any heads?” and they bring you back to life
WITCHES OF THE WORLD: THEIR BIOMES AND TECHNOLOGIES (excerpt from Introduction)
Everyone knows the bog witches and their damp cauldrons, positioned over smoky peat fires, and their potions that go down thick with a mossy tickle in the back of the throat.
But what of the desert witches, with their cauldrons that resemble enormous sandboxes, large enough for a full-grown adult human to recline in, and bury one’s self under a sand dune to hide from the unblinking sun? When wandering the sandy expanses they call home, an unwary traveler may come across a stray peaked hat on the ground and not even realize that it’s a sign there could be a submerged witch there, awaiting nightfall to rise again.
Or ponder the arctic witches with their… snow… and stuff. Okay, we couldn’t be bothered to visit them, it’s too cold. That chapter’s really short.