Please sign up for my new dating app! Here’s how it works!

1) Enter your credit card, personal details, and describe your perfect partner.

2) Wait 20-30 years for the earth to be swallowed by rising seas.

3) Hold your phone aloft while shouting the name of my app to any survivors you come across eking out a living on a storm-blown expanse, struggling to relearn agricultural practices in a hostile environment.

If anyone remembers my app from the Before Times… it’s a match! True love awaits!