[relatable content for good children june 30 2018 early edition]

A SLOVENLY CHILD: oh boy, that was a good meal, time to go outside and play, abandoning my dishes on the table and not washing my hands!

YOU (A GOOD CHILD): anything I’ve touched must be cleansed with fire lest it fall into the hands of my enemies, who can fashion a totem from any crumb that touched my lips and bend the universe against me through the connection I once had with it… I must move through this world without a trace