sob any way you like, but never uncontrollably

I don’t know why so many people only seem to sob uncontrollably. I only sob under carefully controlled conditions.

I allow myself three distinct sobs per minute. There are cameras and observers with clipboards behind thick glass taking notes. There is a control group: Gary. He is in another room, not crying. He provides the baseline for comparison.

You can set your watch to my sobs. I am in complete control.