“I’m not owned! I’m not owned!”

A PLAY SET IN AN AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL
*Putin yanks down Trump’s trousers right when he’s trying to talk to a girl*

TRUMP: Oh, this is great, my legs were so hot in those pants. I’m really enjoying this cool breeze. Thank you, my good friend.

*all bow, exeunt*


TUNE IN NEXT WEEK, WHEN…

*Putin holds Trump upside down, Trump’s head in a toilet. With his foot, Putin presses the toilet’s lever, and a flushing sound almost drowns out Trump, who is speaking the whole time.*

TRUMP: The janitorial team at this school does an excellent job! My head has never been cleaner. Good grooming habits are so important, don’t you think, my friend? Thank you for the assistance in keeping my hair moisturized!


*Putin knocks Trump’s books the ground*

TRUMP: Thanks, pal! Those books were heavy. My arms could use a break. I don’t want to get TOO muscular!


*Putin frames Trump for the murder of a prom queen*

TRUMP (as electrodes are being attached, strapped to the electric chair): Oh boy. This is a real pickle you’ve put me in, buddy! But it’s a good thing… it’s a good thing. Somehow. No, this is good. Uh. Give me a minute.

Skip in 5

Before my uncle’s funeral, an ad starts and we, the family, look at each other awkwardly. Is it rude to skip the ad after 5 seconds because it makes us look eager to mourn? Or is it worse to watch the entire ad?

What if the company is advertising a way to bring my uncle back? What if I’d only find out at the end, after the pretty people finish driving their new car down winding roads to ukulele music, hair blowing in the wind, a young woman’s foot out the window bobbing in time?

Burgling

Amanda and I spent the evening as a pair of fledgling cat burglars: a hacker and a recon expert. Playing the game BURGLE BROS., we successfully broke into and navigated our way through a 2 story office building, dodging guards, cracking a safe on each floor, and sneaking out with our loot: a gemstone ring and a yapping chihuahua!

How that dog ended up in a safe, I’ll never know. But I hope he was put in there because he was valuable and not because he was annoying.

pretty sure that’s not how the meme works

little brain: Given enough time and resources, all mysteries are solvable

glowing brain: My instrument panel has gone dead in the Bermuda Triangle please come save me the engines have stalled and this plane is going down I only have enough time to post this

galaxy brain: I think it should be called the HER-muda Triangle because the patriarchy can’t have everything

Style and Beauty

7 Things That Make You Look Older Than You Really Are
1) Not getting enough sleep
2) Overindulging in alcohol
3) Accidentally referring to your friends by the names of the ancestors they resemble.
4) Ignoring horoscopes because “All the stars move anyway, so who cares.”
5) Enjoying swing music.
6) The section of your wardrobe made from woven reeds and lizard pelts.
7) At every opportunity,  you mention “This all used to be underwater” while gesturing at everything. “Learning to breathe oxygen on land was a mistake.”

FRAGMENT: Voting Fraud

WARNING: Robots who pass for humans are circumventing our voter ID laws by 3D printing their own IDs.

If someone asks for a ballot and produces their ID from their mouth very slowly while making whirring and beeping noises, please give them a provisional ballot to complete until we can determine whether or not they’re a robot who has taken the place of a registered voter human.

PLEASE NOTE: It is still legal for humans to keep their IDs in their mouths if they like, though you may ask them not to and remind them that mouths have germs. Please use appropriate gloves or germicides if you come in contact with a mouth ID. Your safety as a poll worker is paramount.

lost time incident 65 – hide your identity and keep your family safe

lost time incident 65
Greetings to each and every one of your inboxes! It’s so great to be here, taking up space next to all the special offers you get from every business you’ve ever made the mistake of giving your email address. I hope this is one of the emails you look forward to, even though we’re not giving you coupons. On the plus side, we’re also not asking for money.

Unless that’s something we could do. Should we be asking for money? Do you have too much money? Because I absolutely have ideas for non-essential things that money-that-wasn’t-mine could be spent on.

Did you know that the majority of funds raised by sites like GoFundMe now are for healthcare costs? There are so many people in dire straits and their only option is to funnel as much money as they can from their peer group (and generous strangers) into the coffers of insurance companies and healthcare providers.

It wouldn’t be so bad if we knew that the average healthcare provider was, say, blowing fat stacks on Etsy and supporting artists. Keeping non-profits open for the coming year with their giant charity checks. Building schools. Sponsoring libraries. But they don’t. They just take our money and they eat and digest it and form health cocoons that they enter to transcend their human form and disappear to live among the stars.

I assume. I don’t know anyone who works in healthcare, or insurance, so I can’t confirm that’s 100% true.

Anyway, I promise you this: If I get a fatal and/or expensive disease, I am 100% starting a GoFundMe, but none of that money is going to healthcare. I am only spending the money collected on stupid stuff. Like: I’ll pay someone $50 for a nice stick, I don’t care. I don’t even need a stick, but dang, if it’s nice? $50, gimme. It ain’t my money. Who cares. Bury me with that stick.

I’ll turn on a webcam and try to make a papier mache of my face with paste and $100 bills. I’ll fail, too. So what. I don’t know anything about papier mache. I had to Google how to spell it.

Anyway. Thanks for reading. This week, my brain has been full of Lovecraft-style cosmic horror and the banality of social media. Due to the curse of literacy, know that if you continue, your brain will also be full of the same things. TURN BACK NOW, soft-hearted children! It’s your last chance!

 

every little bit helps
Please support my Patreon!

$1/month – I will write your name in my dread book in blood, but that’s it. Nice calligraphy, tho!

$5/month – I will mention you to the Coldest Nebula during weekly summoning

$10/month – We can meet for lunch and you can taste my sacrificial blade (not a euphemism)

$50/month – When the mountains crumble and you are out of tears, the Mouth Beneath Everything will take you last

$100/month – OMG you’re the best! I’ll send nudes. (Also, you’ll be saved when the stars fall, etc. etc.)

 

a fun quiz for friends
This is just a bit of fun! Copy and paste for your friends. Can you fill this out honestly?

Last time you were kissed: Today

Have you ever held hands during a fireworks show? Yes

Favorite song: “Hey Ya”

Have you ever traveled out of your country? Yes

Have you ever felt a pressure pushing in on the walls of the world from some cold other place? Yes

Favorite kind of music: The haunting music, a humming from the stars, getting ever closer

Can you hear me? Can you hear me calling from this dark place? Yes

Favorite color: A color I can’t name. Words fail.

Cats or dogs? It is all beasts. It has all names.

Can you help? No

When’s the last time you had a crush? The pressure is unbearable.

Can you help? Yes. Yes, I can help. I can share the message. I can quiet the humming. I will let everyone know.

True friends will copy & paste & tag [all] people so they can fill this out as well! Fun!

 

this town’s carnival
The Carnival came to town and they’ve got all the rides. The Slide of Mirrors. Fish Throw. The Widening Gyre. Pick the Brick. Goldfish Graduation Ceremony. The House of Spooks. Kiss Tunnel 4000.

The guy who works the booth smokes too much. In the haze, you can barely see the balloons you’re throwing darts at, the open mouth clowns you’re spraying water at, the criminals working off their community service by dodging softballs. Mostly dodging.

The dunk tank is full of Dr. Squib because that’s the town’s biggest employer. All the brown noses trying to get dunked. Making their resumes soggy.

I hate this town.

 

ending theme song
You want to know the craziest thing about that online quiz piece above? I posted it, thinking the joke was obvious: Both the questions and the responses speak to some outerdimensional, malevolent force acting on the poster. But someone actually reposted it! And added their answers! And then, someone else ALSO answered it!

Crazy, man. So you can’t underestimate the lure of those dumb online quiz things.

“But Michael,” you may be thinking. “What did they answer to questions such as ‘Have you ever felt a pressure pushing in on the walls of the world from some cold other place?'” Well, I’ll tell you.

One of them just said “Nope.” Fair enough.

The other person: “Maybe.” So maybe there’s cause for concern?

That’s for you to decide, dear reader. Let us know in the comments what you think! (There’s no comments.)

With all the fondness a human heart can muster,

—Michael Van Vleet

 

[This was originally sent out as an emailed newsletter. Would you like to receive the LOST TIME INCIDENT directly in your inbox? You can subscribe here! Or, you know, keep reading ’em here on signalstation.com. You’ve got your own life to live. Make your choices.]

Every Bit Helps

Please support my Patreon!

$1/month – I will write your name in my dread book in blood, but that’s it. Nice calligraphy, tho!
$5/month – I will mention you to the Coldest Nebula during weekly summoning
$10/month – We can meet for lunch and you can taste my sacrificial blade (not a euphemism)
$50/month – When the mountains crumble and you are out of tears, the Mouth Beneath Everything will take you last
$100/month – OMG you’re the best! I’ll send nudes. (Also, you’ll be saved when the stars fall, etc. etc.)

A Fun Quiz for Friends

This is just a bit of fun! Copy and paste for your friends. Can you fill this out honestly? 

Last time you were kissed: Today
Have you ever held hands during a fireworks show?   Yes
Favorite song: “Hey Ya”
Have you ever traveled out of your country? Yes
Have you ever felt a pressure pushing in on the walls of the world from some cold other place?   Yes
Favorite kind of music: The haunting music, a humming from the stars, getting ever closer
Can you hear me? Can you hear me calling from this dark place?   Yes
Favorite color: A color I can’t name. Words fail.
Cats or dogs? It is all beasts. It has all names.
Can you help? No
When’s the last time you had a crush? The pressure is unbearable.
Can you help? Yes. Yes, I can help. I can share the message. I can quiet the humming. I will let everyone know.

 

True friends will copy & paste & tag [all] people so they can fill this out as well! Fun!

This Town’s Carnival

The Carnival came to town and they’ve got all the rides. The Slide of Mirrors. Fish Throw. The Widening Gyre. Pick the Brick. Goldfish Graduation Ceremony. The House of Spooks. Kiss Tunnel 4000.

The guy who works the booth smokes too much. In the haze you can barely see the balloons you’re throwing darts at, the open mouth clowns you’re spraying water at, the criminals working off their community service by dodging softballs. Mostly dodging.

The dunk tank is full of Dr. Squib because that’s the town’s biggest employer. All the brown noses trying to get dunked. Making their resumes soggy.

I hate this town.