Author: M Van Vleet

1) Find out what crabs like to eat. Probably gross stuff.
2) Acquire lots of crab food and feed a lot of crabs
3) Befriend the crabs. Tell them your vision for a new government. Really sell them on it.
4) March on the seats of power with a motivated crab army of friends and true believers
5) Chase out the scum with your seething wave of claws! (Once you’ve chased out the scum with yr claws, continue to step 6)
6) Set a date for free elections (and ban crab feasts)!

1. Identify a car. Is it locked? Continue to step 2.
2. Approach the door’s lock. (There should only be one.)
3. Breathe on the lock. That’s it.
4. Press yourself firmly against the lock until you squish in and fill the lock completely.
5. Turn yourself.
6. Enter the car.
7. Write your name on the registration with your best handwriting.
8. Check the back seat for Draculas. If no Draculas, continue to step 10.
9. AAAH! DRACULAS!
10. Finish stealing the car.

Get your holiday shopping done early at TEETH WAREHOUSE!

We’ve got 18 store rooms full of big teeth, little teeth, round teeth, square teeth, gold teeth, steel teeth, teeth-teeth, and for the kids: GUMMY TEETH!

Make sure every present under the tree this holiday season clacks like maracas when shaken! That’s the sound of DEALS trying to CHEW THEIR WAY OUT!

A version of the CLUE board game where the setting is an alley.
Locations include:
The Stain. The Dumpster. Maybe A Cat.
The Loose Pile of Bricks and Newspaper.
A Locked Door. A Barred Window. The Entrance/Exit.
The Shadows Where Switchblades Sing.
The Point After Which, Once Passed, One Cannot Safely Run Out of the Alley.
Where the Light Stops.

A club where the password is changed with every breath: Members meet in the lobby, ears pressed to the door, hoping to hear the doorman whisper the passphrase through the keyhole and then repeat it back quickly enough to be let in. A haunted house where ghosts are made of unpaid bills. A new national holiday called Where Is Tim? There are billboards. Tim grows a mustache in preparation and fuels a boat. All sandals are 10% off. Hi! How are you.

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The discovery that your bones have a yearbook and they all signed encouraging notes to each other. The world’s last milkman and the world’s most indulgent cow and a tiny cottage where a Victrola plays a single yodeling song: domestic bliss. The lark and the elm and the ants. Wind scatters snapshots of a young couple & their puppets: Mr. Ears. Timothy Tiger. He-Tastes-Secrets. An unnamed bear. The photos are on a film type they don’t make anymore. We’re still here. You’re still here.

Okay, who here likes magic? You like magic tricks? Great, let’s do a magic trick.

I’m going to need something of value from a volunteer in the audience. Oh, very nice, what’s this? Your “attention?” Lovely.

Now watch very carefully… keep your eyes on it… and VOILA!

Your “attention” has been transmuted via powers unknown into “a complete waste of time.” Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, thank you.

1. Their sole piece of equipment they call a “Ghostbustin’ stick,” which you suspect is a storm-blown tree limb from your neighbor’s lawn.

2. They claim they learned how to exorcise “from the streets” and so you ask “Which streets?” but when you go to those named streets, they still look pretty haunted actually.

3. When asked their favorite thing about being an exorcist, they say “Working in a field that has no centralized licensing authority.”

[illustration: Pete Toms]

40% mark-down!
Molar Leashes are priced to go! Want to keep your human from wandering off?
Try MOLAR LEASHES!

BUT HOW DO THEY WORK?
Simply attach the included cross bars through a pair of back molars in the mouth of your human. The lead then drapes over the tongue and impedes complaints by 73% An industry leader! It’s easy!

1) Start seeing groups of school children in attendance on field trips

2) Reigning champ’s nickname is “The Hemophiliac”

3) Big chain pit fighting store moved in down the block, has coupons

4) Flooding. ‘Cause it’s underground. Like literally: underground.

5) You’re reading lists like this, which means you already have your suspicions. Maybe it’s time to call it quits?

The banner reads WELCOME TO OUR GENDER REVEAL PARTY and it hangs above the altar.

The creature erupts sidewise somehow, blooming into the world in violence, flames licking up to the banner until it flutters down in burning scraps as the party attendees applaud and bleed and sway.

M̢̟̖̩̳̦͞Y̷͍̻̕ ̨͈͍̗̼̳͓̗͇̭G̵͔̗͔͈̘̯̼͉͡E͏̻̪̠N̫D̸͡҉̭͈E̻͟R̛͠͏͔̻̩͔̖̜̦̣ ̸̳̹̀͝I̡̯͍̻̤̟͠S̕͟͏̦̮ ̦̹͕̗̫̣̗D̷̤͉̥̤̥E̛̻̼̯̪͕̯̳͉ͅA̰͎̕T҉͎̯͍̙H̜̪̱ͅ it bellows.

And then: there’s cake.