did… did an amulet write this?

[relatable content for good children june 27 2018 early edition]

TEEN: aw man, my parents are so uncool, they always hide the car keys inside this drawer full of amulets that quiver with power and draw the eye and hand from across the room with unspoken compulsion and I just need to get in practice with parallel parking

YOU (A GOOD CHILD): grasp the amulets and let them burn your skin. we won’t need cars when we can master the air itself