lost time incident 82
I had to get a new microwave recently. I don’t know how old the previous microwave was, but it could tell lots of stories about “the war” and they always involved sabers, mud, a sky choked with smoke, and shivering in a trench, feverish from some bug-borne disease, reading the last dirt-smudged postcard from home over and over again.
The old microwave is sitting in the closet now, “in retirement,” until we have an occasion to rent a car, at which time we’ll take it to the local recycling center where … okay, honestly I don’t know what happens to it at that point, but I hope they treat it with the respect it deserves.
The best part is now I don’t have to clean it. It’s gross as heck and that doesn’t matter anymore.
The new microwave has a Potato button. This has been the stand-out achievement of the new year so far. I can put a single potato in there, press some points on the microwave’s face (thus informing it “You have a single potato in you”, and it handles the rest. Amazing.
“A potato? One potato? Got it. Say no more,” says the new microwave.
This new microwave has never even traveled abroad, let alone taken a life. This new microwave has three frequently updated social media accounts and has never screamed that its gas mask won’t seal as yellow clouds swept right over its rotating glass carousel.
…
Anyway. This is a newsletter of some sort. At some point in the past, you signed up to receive it. Now that you’ve read about microwaves at war, perhaps you regret it.
“Why doesn’t this email contain a 10% off coupon for a store I visited for 3 minutes in 2009?” you may be thinking. “Why doesn’t this email have a subject line designed to make me panicky about the future so I’ll donate to a politician?” you may be thinking. “Why did I decide that I would never learn to read? What do all these squiggles in my Inbox mean?” you may be thinking. (Okay, odds are against that last one, but MAYBE.)
Hi.
I don’t have anything I particularly needed to check in about. Just had a mid-day with no distractions and I don’t want to go grocery shopping, which would be the responsible thing to do.
So you get this. Whatever this is.
tips for staying warm this winter
- Consider your grudges. Nurse them. Cup them close like tiny flames.
- Never go outside
- Recognize that the world is an interpretation and invention of the mind, so what if your mind went: “It’s not cold.” Could that help?
- The whole planet’s warming up and will kill us all, and one day you’ll look back on this cold in envy, so… just hang in there.
so you picked up a spectral hitchhiker…
It happened again, eh friend? No worries! Just remember this simple mnemonic: F.U.D.G.E.!
Fulfill
Unfinished
Duties,
Ghost
Evaporates!
Simply drive the spirit where it wishes to go, or help it enact its vengeance, and then you’ll be alone in your car again in no time!
ending theme song
Okay! I’ve taken up enough of your time. Just kidding, I’m going to take up more of your time by pointing out that with my wife Amanda, I’ve been blazing a trail through the craziest hidden object games we can find and hoo boy— we just completed a doozy.
If you don’t know anything about hidden object games, then we’re going to start you on the black diamond course, baby. Strap a board on your feet and check out STRAY SOULS: DOLLHOUSE STORY with us.
I would love to stick around and chat for longer, but my library book is due back in a few days so… I’m very busy.
Hope you’re doing well! If you own property, consider setting aside an entire room that bees can live in… they need help and it’s probably tax deductible! Okay, goodBYE!
—Michael Van Vleet
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