!! CONSUMER ALERT!!
DO NOT SUBSCRIBE to Horror Liquids, the monthly horror subscription services that sends you horrifying liquids in the mail.
The packaging is always inadequate and every box arrives sodden and dripping. The only horrors you’ll face are the clean-up and the blood tests for exposure.
[vfx ANNOUNCER] They can’t be swayed. They can’t be reasoned with. Even their peers are afraid of…
THE FIFTH DENTIST
[sfx: scream]
[vfx MALE VOICE] “No! NO! I’ve already asked FOUR TIMES! They said I was SAFE!”
[vfx SPOOKY VOICE] “Y O U D I D N ‘ T A S K M E”
[vfx ANNOUNCER] THE FIFTH DENTIST
Please do not come see this movie if you have a heart condition, a panic disorder, or if you don’t floss.
THE FIFTH DENTIST
An apple a day… does NOTHING.
In theaters soon.
) A podcast subscriber
) Agoraphobe
) Person who has a leaf of iceberg lettuce on their head like it’s a wig or something, I dunno
) You, but from a timeline where everything went right… a happier you
“I don’t care if all your friends are wearing robes for their little chanting thing now. If they all jumped off a cliff and into the spinning maw of a god they’ve summoned from the cold pressure of the ocean floor, would you jump too?”
– My mom, when I asked her if I could join my friends’ cult, and the reason I don’t have any friends (plus they got eaten anyway)
Okay, too many of you idiots have been getting tomb-cursed and I’m sick of all the moaning about “oh, the sand bugs, they eating me” and “oh, I wander a hell of ancestors and drown in the Nile when I blink”
I am putting this orange cone RIGHT in front of the pyramid. It is now OUT OF ORDER.
Now start RESPECTING the ORANGE CONE.
Just picked up my badge for PickleCon. Got the whole weekend to soak in brine ahead of me. My mouth is full of peppers and spices. There’s a panel discussion on root cellar storage that’s taking place in a giant Mason jar and the line’s around the block, it’s crazy.
Where my pickleheads at, who wants to meet up and dissolve in some vinegar and go blind?
When evoked, I’ve been known to:
[ ] Erupt as a cloud of biting locusts
[ ] Pinch a wound shut for a while
[ ] Sour wine and milk
[ ] Fill out quizzes
[ ] Weaken the limbs of children
RESULTS:
YOU ARE: Not an ancient rune at all.
Runes are inanimate things. Merely concepts. You… you are thing of wonder. Look at you, moving through time, dancing atoms. You’re beyond quizzes.
The Signal: EP149 – Exactly 45 minutes of tunes custom designed for structural support when tape-stacking. In this installment, we’ve got lots of treats for you, from Spanish-language dub to shoegaze fuzz to beats to old school rhythm & blues… and more!
Download by clicking on the link (or image) above. The file is available only for a limited time. If you’re interested in the tracklist, it’s in the mp3 itself, in the id3 tags. Or, if you sign up to be a member of our mailing list, The Tuned In, you’ll be among the first on the planet to know when a new mix is posted, and you’ll get a permanent archive link and the entire playlist, delivered to your inbox.
Spotify user? I found most of the tracks from this mix: The Signal: EP149 @ Spotify
PR AGENT (slaps in VHS): Here’s what we’ve got!
[video: Handsome couple smiles, gives thumbs up.Graphic: MUMMIES! They’re Just Like Us!*
announcer VFX (very rapid): “except they have fewer organs, smell like old rags, are highly flammable, are animated by dark forces, and have no appreciation for relic preservation.”]
PR AGENT: What do you think?
(Mummies look at each other across office table, then the air is suddenly thick with flying, flesh-rending beetles.)