I don’t know why so many people only seem to sob uncontrollably. I only sob under carefully controlled conditions.
I allow myself three distinct sobs per minute. There are cameras and observers with clipboards behind thick glass taking notes. There is a control group: Gary. He is in another room, not crying. He provides the baseline for comparison.
You can set your watch to my sobs. I am in complete control.
Gary said there was a line at the dry cleaners, so we didn’t get our eclipse robes in time and now the human sacrifice says he’s got a thing to go do and the sun’s back, so WAY TO GO, Gary, the eclipse is ruined.
Guess the UNBLINKING EYE FROM THE FROSTS BELOW THE STARS is just gonna have to sleep even longer before rending this world, GARY.
Welcome to Biff’s House of Discount Video Game Titles, how can we help you today?
We’ve got ’em all, we’ve got:
BZORK II: Quest for Bzork I
Blood and Helmets
World Rainbow Clash
Bird Boxing
Caverns of Goop
Quarter-Eating Maniacs
Centimillipede: TOO MANY LEGS!
Winds of Elgorathathoninite
HEY! The Game
Skate or Die or Do Something Else
Rose Pruning Emulator 2009
Wheels of Elves
16-bit Bit Collector
The Quest for Eight Cheeses
STLAXZ
Press Any Button to Win
The Signal: EP137 – Exactly 45 minutes of music, primed and ready to be beamed directly into your head. Is your head ready? Do you need a few minutes? Take all the time you need.
This time out we’ve got drums piled on top of classical, an electronic artist from Italy remixing world music from a Dutch library, cumbia, rock, punk, funk, sweet pop music in French and Italian, beats and exotica. Global sounds, losts and founds.
Download by clicking on the link (or image) above. The file is available only for a limited time. If you’re interested in the tracklist, it’s in the mp3 itself, in the id3 tags. Or, if you sign up to be a member of our mailing list, The Tuned In, you’ll be among the first on the planet to know when a new mix is posted, and you’ll get a permanent archive link and the entire playlist, delivered to your inbox.
A PLAY SET IN AN AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL
*Putin yanks down Trump’s trousers right when he’s trying to talk to a girl*
TRUMP: Oh, this is great, my legs were so hot in those pants. I’m really enjoying this cool breeze. Thank you, my good friend.
*all bow, exeunt*
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK, WHEN…
*Putin holds Trump upside down, Trump’s head in a toilet. With his foot, Putin presses the toilet’s lever, and a flushing sound almost drowns out Trump, who is speaking the whole time.*
TRUMP: The janitorial team at this school does an excellent job! My head has never been cleaner. Good grooming habits are so important, don’t you think, my friend? Thank you for the assistance in keeping my hair moisturized!
*Putin knocks Trump’s books the ground*
TRUMP: Thanks, pal! Those books were heavy. My arms could use a break. I don’t want to get TOO muscular!
*Putin frames Trump for the murder of a prom queen*
TRUMP (as electrodes are being attached, strapped to the electric chair): Oh boy. This is a real pickle you’ve put me in, buddy! But it’s a good thing… it’s a good thing. Somehow. No, this is good. Uh. Give me a minute.
Before my uncle’s funeral, an ad starts and we, the family, look at each other awkwardly. Is it rude to skip the ad after 5 seconds because it makes us look eager to mourn? Or is it worse to watch the entire ad?
What if the company is advertising a way to bring my uncle back? What if I’d only find out at the end, after the pretty people finish driving their new car down winding roads to ukulele music, hair blowing in the wind, a young woman’s foot out the window bobbing in time?
Amanda and I spent the evening as a pair of fledgling cat burglars: a hacker and a recon expert. Playing the game BURGLE BROS., we successfully broke into and navigated our way through a 2 story office building, dodging guards, cracking a safe on each floor, and sneaking out with our loot: a gemstone ring and a yapping chihuahua!
How that dog ended up in a safe, I’ll never know. But I hope he was put in there because he was valuable and not because he was annoying.
little brain: Given enough time and resources, all mysteries are solvable
glowing brain: My instrument panel has gone dead in the Bermuda Triangle please come save me the engines have stalled and this plane is going down I only have enough time to post this
galaxy brain: I think it should be called the HER-muda Triangle because the patriarchy can’t have everything
7 Things That Make You Look Older Than You Really Are
1) Not getting enough sleep
2) Overindulging in alcohol
3) Accidentally referring to your friends by the names of the ancestors they resemble.
4) Ignoring horoscopes because “All the stars move anyway, so who cares.”
5) Enjoying swing music.
6) The section of your wardrobe made from woven reeds and lizard pelts.
7) At every opportunity, you mention “This all used to be underwater” while gesturing at everything. “Learning to breathe oxygen on land was a mistake.”
WARNING: Robots who pass for humans are circumventing our voter ID laws by 3D printing their own IDs.
If someone asks for a ballot and produces their ID from their mouth very slowly while making whirring and beeping noises, please give them a provisional ballot to complete until we can determine whether or not they’re a robot who has taken the place of a registered voter human.
PLEASE NOTE: It is still legal for humans to keep their IDs in their mouths if they like, though you may ask them not to and remind them that mouths have germs. Please use appropriate gloves or germicides if you come in contact with a mouth ID. Your safety as a poll worker is paramount.